Pregnant women don’t need to mourn the lack of wine and gin on the menu during the gestational period…
After all, being pregnant is actually a helluva lot like being drunk …Only less fun in pretty much every way
10 ways being pregnant is EXACTLY like being drunk:
1. You’re probably nauseous
5 drinks = nauseous; 5 weeks pregnant = nauseous. At least, you can stop the drinking, for the Gestator the only known cure is birth. Or the second trimester. Or trial and error – here’re a list of remedies to try.
2. You might be unreasonable/ belligerent
The drunk person never wants to go home/ go to bed/ put their shoes back on, and there’s no point in reasoning with them. The pregnant person can be equally obstinate. Blame it on the whore-mones. Even if whatever you’re trying to suggest to the Gestator (like that ice cream with capers is not going to taste nice) she’s likely to lash out regardless. Any well meaning suggestions will sound vaguely oppositional to her sensitive pregnant ears.
3. You crave weird (and usually disgusting) food
Food you would never CONCEIVE of eating sober, like taco fries topped with that creepy liquid orange cheese suddenly becomes the ONLY thing that will possibly satisfy you. Likewise, the Gestator can often be seen shame-eating any number of disgusting items (that usually bear little to no resemblance to actual food) in an effort to assuage the relentless nausea.
4. The trowing up
Every Gestator knows all too well that the only thing worse than throwing up drunk is throwing up sober.
5. You’re definitely emotional
The highs and lows of a good drunken night out are all replicated in the epic highs and debilitating lows felt by the pregnant person. Ever sat at the bottom of the stairs at a house party crying about how nobody likes your shoes? That is how a pregnant person feels ALL THE TIME.
6. You do not look good dancing (sorry)
There’s a three drink minimum for me looking good dancing, after that I more closely resemble a cow having spasms while trying to stand on her hind legs. Similarly, when pregnant, there’s a three-month limit on the dancing I can get away with. Beyond the three month mark, I do NOT look good dancing.
7. You making improbable and unrealistic resolutions
This is textbook drunk person behaviour. Lying at 3 am with one hand submerged in the aforementioned taco chips, the drunk person can be found goggling ‘reformer pilates classes’ in their locale or reading articles entitled ‘8 things that happen when you start eating clean‘ with that special method of reading while drunk (one eye squeezed shut with the phone just inches from face). Oh, the best-laid plans of drunken fools are not unlike the aspirations of the pregnant person. “My child will ONLY eat organic, home-prepared, hand-reared food that is free from refined sugar…” See also 10 total LIES I told myself about motherhood before having a baby.
8. Sleeping is… interesting
I have a friend who’s party piece (though it’s probably not something to boast about) is – after a few too many wine spritzers – falling asleep upright… wait for it… on STOOLS. We’re talking here about a woman who can pass out on a stool without incident bar the obvious incident of BEING ASLEEP ON A STOOL. The only other people in the world who might possess this propensity for casual narcolepsy are of course the Gestators. Pregnant women are liable to sleep anywhere they are left unsupervised.
9. Embarrassing things will happen to you
Drunk people might think that doing ‘the worm’ will look really cool (it rarely does); while pregnant people will probably fart in yoga class (okay maybe this was just me), wee their pants in Tesco (again maybe just me) or drop a urine sample on public transport which will then be retrieved by a very attractive man (anyone? anyone else experience this?).
10. People make fun of you
When you have officially become the ‘drunk one’ at a social gathering, it is up to the other attendees to mercilessly mock you at every available opportunity. For the Gestator, those who clearly have a death wish may also think it’s hilarious to make fun of you. They might mock your belly or your cankles or your uncontrollable farting. These people are usually the Impregnator – who really need to shut the hell up if they know what’s good for them.
