Last night, in a new marital low I actually had a sex dream featuring my husband – if this isn’t the most depressing thing ever, I don’t know what is.
It basically means that sex has plummeted so far down the priorities list, I’ve been driven to fantasising about my actual husband.
Post-kids, even when you actually get to have sex or more accurately PARENT sex, it is a far cry from the sexy times of yesteryear, although now that I think about it parent sex does have a disturbing amount in common with that most painfully awkward of things: teenage sex.
10 ways parent sex is a whole lot like teenage sex:
1. It’s super SUPER quiet
Rhythmic squeaking is the enemy when there’re kids in the house.
2. Sometimes it’s super SUPER fast
You have to get ruthless when it comes to parent sex. None of your fancy stuff, there just isn’t time. Get in, get out and get back to the endless cycle of laundry, dishes, and passive aggression.
3. Quite often a dry-hump will have to suffice
Beggars and what not…
4. The sex-window is tiny
You gotta be quick, like an episode of Peppa Pig quick.
5. It’s weirdly awkward
As parents, the sex is so infrequent that it can often be more fumbley than a quick frig behind the leisure centre á la the teenage years. Sometimes you just get a bit out of practice especially if you’ve been off the wagon for reasons of childbirth and pregnancy.
6. It might not take place in a bed
You have to get creative, if all your spawn are sleeping in your bed, a change of location is called for. Brings us back to those lovely back-of-the-leisure-centre moments, doesn’t it?
7. It might require lying if you’re caught
“Daddy’s just giving mummy a back rub.” CREEPY.
8. Quite often you will be wearing some if not all of your clothes
It’s a time-saving measure and keeps the potential for child-scarring to a minimum should one of them happen to barge in. It also makes the back rub excuse that bit more plausible.
9. There’s rarely time for foreplay
It’s just not practical. And anyway by this stage in your relationship, foreplay probably looks a little something like this:
10. When it does happen, we are super, SUPER grateful…
Like a pair of sex-starved teenagers.
