Okay, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be really good at potty training.

It's based on nothing beyond the fact that I go to the loo quite well myself and also I haven't had anything regarding this whole parenting thing just go my way right off the bat, so I feel like I'm due a break. Right? RIGHT????? 8 signs I need to start potty training like ten minutes ago: 1. His freakish strength He has the strength of ten toddlers on a liga bender, it takes two of us to hold him down. 2. He is now capable of demanding the nappy change This is a bit disconcerting. What if I stormed up to people and demanded that they wipe me? How would that go? Not great I imagine. It really only works for the very young or the very old. 3. He's obsessed with the jacks The toilet is like a small disgusting but exciting water park in the mind of The Child. He just loves it, splashing in it, slamming the lid, flushing it – so it follows that hopefully he will also enjoy using it for its intended purpose. 4. He has closely observed the toilet in action, and he seemed intrigued These days whenever he accompanies me to the loo he helps out by handing me sheets of toilet paper and such. Yeah maybe it's a little bit weird but it also gives me a little ego boost, like what I'm achieving in there is on a par with a surgeon performing a tricky operation. I'm like George Clooney and he is Nurse Hathaway assisting my heroic efforts. "Toilet paper STAT." 5. His poo is INTENSE It's in the same league as a post-Guinness night bender complete with iffy batter burger on the way home. It's unholy. 6. He loves to grab his willy so I reckon he's eager to get more hands on with the whole pissing thing This is totally natural, he's a man albeit a mini one, men like to wield their penises like the impressive 2-inch lightsabers that they are. Go men! 7. He has pissed in my face one too many times I'm just a bit over it to be honest. Every time I put on a clean top the willy gets loose and wrecks everything – the range on that thing is impressive though. 8. His insane love of raisins means that the nappies are infested with undigested raisins THIS is affecting my enjoyment of raisins. Two years of relentless nappy changing has also impacted on my love of Nutella, peanut butter, chicken korma, wholegrain mustard, dijon mustard, rogan josh, Nesquick cereal and chocolate pudding.