Parenthood teaches us about ourselves, though some of the insights may not be considered profound exactly.
Once you become the proud owner of a toddler things take a turn for the way less profound pretty rapidly as the best thing you can do for your child, it transpires, is make funny fart noises.
Learning just how okay you will become with another person's bodily secretions is hardly the stuff of deep philosophical and emotional insight. Still, it makes for an undeniably interesting ride.
10 things you learn about yourself one you have a toddler:
1. You are not the chill, laid-back person you thought you were
Seriously, we all think we are totally reasonable people, capable of keeping our emotions in check until a Toddler barrels into our lives and starts to systematically break our gentle spirits.
2. Your Ick-Tolerance is Off the Charts
By the time you've weathered the baby years, none of the toddler grossness will phase you. I have a theory that the black tar shit (meconium) that they do on day one is an evolutionary device to ensure that parents can deal with all the disgusting stuff we will be fielding for the next 2-10 years.
3. Sleep deprivation is NOT the most effective form of torture; WORD REPETITION is the most effective form of torture
"Muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma, muma."
4. You do a really REALLY good animal impressions
Seriously, my dolphin impression is BOSS at this stage. It's really scarily realistic.
5. Your mum-voice is so ridiculous it's verging on pantomime-like
The first time you hear your own mum-voice is a pretty jarring experience. We all think that we're not going to be some crazy, ranting mammy, but then you get a toddler, and all bets are OFF.
6. You actually have ZERO standards
My son eats a helluva lotta crisps and I'm okay with that because I am just too tired to care.
7. One day spilled milk might actually make you cry
What can I say, toddlers just wear you down.
8. You didn't even know what multitasking was until you had a toddler
Once you have shaved your legs in the bath, while discussing the colours to paint the new baby's room while a toddler sits on your face – Congrats, NOW you know what multi-tasking is.
9. You come to realise that silence is not golden; it is SINISTER
Seriously, if you're reading this in the company of a toddler and you're just noticing that you haven't heard any crashing or shouting in a while.... RUN.
10. Nothing, NOTHING will get you in the feels like voluntary affection from a toddler
You can steal all the cuddles and kisses you want but when they, totally unprompted, bury their little heads in your neck and wrap their teeny arms around your body the world stops.
