Since becoming a parent what constitutes 'me time' has altered dramatically.
Post-baby any time that I can go to the toilet unaccompanied basically constitutes 'me time'. As a result, I have amassed an arsenal of strategies to help shirk parental responsibilities which I have detailed here to help others get out of parenting too.
10 Ways To Grab Some 'Me Time' Now There's A Toddler On Your Face 24/7:
1. Let go of guilt
The biggest obstacle to me time is your own guilt, I find. Overcoming this will set you free. If you are suffering from parental guilt, just remember that our own parents fed us freeze-dried baby food, spiked our bottles with whiskey to aid sleep and frequently 'lost' us. If you know roughly where you're child is and you haven't resorted to medicating them to get a bit of sleep you're doing fine and deserve a bit of alone time.
2. Join a book club
The book club is a kind of respectable-sounding front for what is, in reality, a cheese feast with drinks on the side. Saying to your co-parent that you have to go to your book club is far more acceptable than saying you are going to the pub. Book clubs have a reputation for being a kind of edifying activity a bit like homework. Don't enlighten them.
3. Feign sleep
Feigning sleep is a competitive game around our house. The Man and I frequently pretend to be asleep when parental duty calls so that the other is compelled to tend to the needs of the child. We've each cooked up our own strategies for this game. At this point there is no real belief in the fact that either of us is actually asleep so it has really just come done to who can stay the stillest for longest and who does the best sleep noises. A subtle snore accompanied by some light teeth grinding works best I find.
4. Lie
I find I can get away with a bit of me time with a good old fashioned lie. Often in the morning I will tell The Man that I was up all night with the baby and express my shock that he had slept through all the commotion. This will garner me a bit of sympathy. The Man will feel compelled to offer that I skive off for a few hours to catch up on sleep (aka secretly watch Pretty Little Liars in bed with my headphones in and consume non-crunchy snack foods).
5. Bank bad behaviour
If your co-parent has engaged in a bit of badness – going for "one post-work drink" and then not returning until the wee hours is a frequent bold manoeuvre executed by The Man – don't get angry. Stay mellow. The serenity will freak them out more than any verbal lambasting can and then when they least expect it bring up the boldness as a bargaining tool to garner yourself a bit of 'me time.'
6. Hide
Sometimes the simplest strategies are the one's that work. Create a cache of magazines, books, snack foods and entertainment devices in an out-of-the-way spot. An attic crawlspace, the garden shed works well (though I usually find The Man has already nabbed this spot), or even just the toilet (sometimes hiding in plain sight is the best strategy) and tuck yourself away for a few hours.
7. Go to a family function
Family get-togethers are the best and unlikeliest places to score some alone-time. At family gatherings, there's built-in childcare in the form of older cousins not yet too jaded to look after the littlies. Also, baby-starved mothers of older children invariably want to hold younger babies to get a hit of that sweet, sweet baby head smell. The only flaw in this strategy is that your alone time is invariably hijacked by a loquacious third cousin who wants to talk house prices or an aged relative demanding a rendition of your childhood party piece (Báidín Fheilimí anyone?).
8. Lose your passport
Nobody in your family will ever try to accompany you to the passport office. It is a nightmare errand that all co-parents will do anything to avoid even, well, parent their offspring. Prior to parenthood, queues were a hindrance in the quest for fun. Queues were something to be endured. Now a queue is something to revel in. So bring an audio book and luxuriate in that queue.
9. Exercise
If your co-parent is a sedentary type person, then they will see your escaping the house to exercise as something to be pitied. Do not let them get their hands on any stats regarding endorphins and NEVER tell them about the Jean-Luc, the leggings-glad yogalates instructor at the gym that you creep on from afar.
10 Explore communal me time
Find a like-minded parent to join forces with. A lesser-known fact about children is that contrary to popular belief, the more there are, the easier they are to handle. Once you have several kids in a confined space together a sort of Lord of the Fliesian mini-society will evolve, and they essentially raise each other while you and your pal can repair to the boudoir and wile away a few contented hours not speaking and staring at a wall. Just keep an ear out for the mournful call of a conch shell, that's the signal to separate them.
