10 VERY specific feelings that only pregnant women will understand
Anyone else walking around feeling like they're going to cry/get sick/fall asleep/ cry again/eat an anchovy sandwich/ down an entire bottle of Gaviscon/ cry again especially if anyone hugs you or is too nice to you?
Congratulations! You must be pregnant...
1. The "If I don't eat something right this very second, I'm going to get sick everywhere" feeling
It sounds vaguely oxymoronic but sometimes in those early days, it's either an eat RIGHT THIS SECOND or puke situation.
2. The "Is it insanely obvious that I'm up the duff?" feeling
Maybe if I could stop eating Monster Munch for five seconds, it'd be less obvious, but I can't help it my foetus needs corn snacks. I feel like people are watching, giving me knowing little looks. Damn you, you Monster Munch-loving foetus you're giving the game away.
3. The "I'm so tired; my body feels like it is literally made of lead but there is no visible baby yet, and I am only ten minutes pregnant – how will I last nine more months of this?" feeling
Ah, the first-trimester tireds, when just raising your right arm to parlay a biscuit to your mouth is too much effort. When a short trip to the kettle feels as monumental as climbing Everest without supplementary oxygen while wearing a medieval suit of armour and dragging a small trailer behind you to transport a dozen bowling balls.
4. The "Damn! Someone casually mentioned a type of food, and now I WILL NOT REST until I'm eating that item" feeling
Food envy is a constant sensation during the human gestation. Every time I think I want something, I get my hands on it and then someone else wanders past with something else that now, all of a sudden, I want WAAAAY more. It's maddening. If only we could just seize food from passing strangers when we're pregnant, like a free pass for preggos.
5. The "Is that wind or is that the baby kicking?" feeling
That mysterious time of crippling gas and phantom baby kicks.
6. The "Holy sh*t, is it a baby or is it a giant undersea creature roiling around in there" feeling
You get pregnant, and you expect to feel the baby kicking. You're excited to feel the baby kicking. You do not expect it to feel like a gigantic octopus lurching around your uterus. It's pretty early days, and it already feels like it's running out of womb.
7. The "Is the baby literally kicking me in the gee from inside my body" feeling
Does everyone know these? It does exactly what it says on the tin, interior vadge kicks round the clock. The foetus seems to be dancing on my cervix.
8. The "Seriously. Where the f*ck is my glow?" feeling
Feeling cheated because of pregnancy acne, ass sweat and chub rub? Welcome to my club. I am not so much glowing as perspiring profusely and feeling increasingly unnerved by the weird shit my body is doing.
9. The "There's a mute mini horse wedged between my groin and tits" feeling
Jesus Christ, get it out of me. That scene in Alien starts to seem weirdly appealing by this point in pregnancy. Remember there will be a day when you won't be tempted to manually remove one of your own ribs during some ill-advised home surgery situation to give the baby more room. And some really annoying amnesia-suffering women will say you'll miss these days. Crazy b*tches.
10. The "Oh my f*cking gawd, I'm going to have a baby" feeling
The terror. Like academically I knew it was a baby in there and that it would have to come out eventually. But seriously not today, I'm not ready for this...