B is for birth plan – this phrase is essentially an oxymoron. The whole concept of planning as a whole is pretty much over as soon as you see that little plus sign on the pregnancy test. But go ahead make a birth plan it will give you a sense of control if nothing else. Birth plans can include any of the following: lighting requests for the delivery room; musical compilations; preferred delivery position and scented candle requirements. We suspect that birth plans also provide hours of amusement for nurses and midwives. Picture them reading to each other in the break room from our earnest missives requesting lapsang souchong tea and declining pharmaceutical interventions. We can imagine them running ward pools on who's going to throw out the birth plan first. "I've got a fiver on the Hypno-birther in bed 8"!
B is also for breasts – the breasts will either really come into their own after you have a child, or they will become sad, sagging emblems of disappointment. Breastfeeding is hard for many. It's also kind of hard to describe why it's so hard to those who have never done it before. To give you an image, imagine trying to breastfeed an uncooperative cat, that is what breastfeeding can be like at the start. Hang in there though (a little mammary humour for you there!) as once you get it down, the breastfeeding is great. You can dodge the whole sterilising and formula rigamarole and if you get really good can even feed the child while sleeping.
B is also for book club – if you weren't in a book club before becoming a parent it is essential you join one as soon as the baby can do without you for three consecutive hours. The book club is a kind of respectable-sounding front for what is, in reality, a cheese-bender with drinks on the side. Saying to your co-parent, you have to go to your book club is far more acceptable than saying you are going to the pub. They will be more amenable to the idea of you escaping the house for a couple of hours as book clubs have a reputation for being a kind of edifying activity a bit like homework. Don't enlighten them.
We nearly forgot...
Most importantly B is for baby – you've got one of these now so make sure you read our key instructions below.
Babies –put stuff in the top, it comes out the bottom. If stuff starts coming out the top or stops coming out the bottom, you've got an issue. For all baby-related issues simply hold them, rock them, feed them, wind them, put them down, pick them up, sooth them, ignore them, swaddle them, change them, put them on their tummies, put them on their back, put them on your tummy or play them 8 hours of white noise. Store them at room temperature in a silent room with blackout blinds. Easy.
