Congratulations dad, first things first there's a few things you need to know right now about how your life has changed.
Imagine your new baby as an adorable, sweet-smelling BOMB that's just been lobbed into your life. The woman you love is the purveyor of this bomb, but you can't blame it all on her, she was as clueless as you were getting into this thing. Also, it wouldn't be advisable to blame anything on her ever again since for the foreseeable future she's probably gonna be crazier than a bag of cats off their heads on amphetamines – that's the post-birth hormones for ya.
The new dad survival kit: 10 things YOU NEED now that your wife's a crazy bitch:
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
You better never forget that she made you this beautiful baby and pushed it out a way too small opening, and now you will be making the tea for the rest of your life. No arguments.
2. A hiding place
For when the emotional rages kick in – hers mainly, you are not really entitled to throw emotional fits. Sorry but you put that thing (the baby) in her, you really played a very small part in getting it back out of her, and now it's feeding off her round the clock – so any complaining from you is off the menu until forever.
3. A damn good excuse
It doesn't matter what the excuse is for okay – it could be why the bins weren't put out, why there're no biscuits left or why the baby won't stop crying between the hours of 6 pm and 9 pm – just have that excuse ready.
4. Snacks
NEVER LET HER GET HUNGRY.
5. Lightning fast reflexes
Particularly if you've spawned a boy, nappy-changing can turn into piss-dodging in seconds.
6. A professional dad
Every new dad needs a seasoned dad to be their dad spirit guide, to give him hope that there is light at the end of the sleep deprived haze. And to impart key tricks such as
how to get a shit-up-the-back babygro off without dirty protesting all over the place.
7. Secret earplugs
Never let her find the secret ear plugs your life will not be worth living. Store them under the mattress and at night after the lights are out, secret them out and ease them into your ears.
8. Muslins
We will never stop being astounded at the sheer volume of muslins required when there's a new baby in the house. Just be careful to get that word straight in you head – too many times I accidentally referred to the dirty muslims in my house. Face palm.
9. A sense of humour and a strong stomach
Both of these come into play when the new baby doesn't shite for a week and you need to roll up your sleeves and get out the vaseline and a cotton buds. I'll just leave those unnerving instructions at that and direct you to
10 New Parent Milestones That NO ONE Tells You About (And Prove You'll Never Be 'Back To Normal') for full explanation.
10. Cry face
Get your cry face ready because parenthood is a beautiful journey of emotions, poo, extreme exhaustion and more emotions. Have fun.
Know any dads who need this list? Tag them in the Facebook comments or join the conversation on Twitter @HerFamilydotie
