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26th April 2019
05:14pm BST

3. Lack of leg shaving
Once The Man saw a doctor looking up my vagina while instructing me to cough (The dreaded Cough Test for anyone fortunate enough to not have to experience this indignity) leg-shaving just seemed way down the list of important things to be doing to reconvince The Man of my hotness.
4. Sex with the lights on is now considered exotic and erotic
Sometimes someone asks an annoying family admin-related question during foreplay which can spoil the mood somewhat but at this point, there's no room for indignant huffing about whether or not it is appropriate to discuss the overdraft during foreplay. Focus on the fact that (miracle of miracles) the sex is happening.
5. My weekly hair care routine looks like this:
Monday – Shower
Tuesday – Ponytail
Wednesday – Ponytail
Thursday – Ponytail
Friday – Dry Shampoo
Saturday – Bath with child, shampoo not rinsed out properly
Sunday – Ponytail
6. Jegging Day is considered quite fancy for me
For a while after The Baby was born I went through some kind of sleep-deprived mania where I actually made an effort to do my hair and get dressed every morning. Then that new mum mania wore off; The Baby became The Child and I officially lost the will to care about getting dressed since getting him dressed had become a battle of wills of epic proportions. The leggings were nearly grafted onto me by the time he turned 2. I'm happy to report that I upgraded from leggings to jeggings a few months ago and I'm feeling great for it. There's something about a fake pocket drawn onto a pair of leggings that just screams: "I made the effort."
7. Going to bed at the same time as my toddler son is a MAJOR treat
Any night that I am not horizontal at 8 pm is quite exciting, even if I'm just sitting instead of lying like a marooned, elephant on the couch I congratulate myself on being a civilised TV-watching adult.
8. Coffee is more important to me than cake
This is BIG. I am a cake-lover, a cake-enthusiast, if I could marry cake and have sex with cake and then give birth to little cupcakes, I would do it, that is how much I love cake. But then the toddler happened and now it's really coffee all the way. It's become more of a medical imperative than a choice. Sorry cake. (And sorry for that graphic cupcake birthing image.)
9. I've given up on the house. Completely.
When The Child was a baby, I thought the house was insane but now I realise that those were the halcyon days. Sure, there was laundry and dirty dishes everywhere but at least back then it was all my own doing. Back then The Child was not yet capable of wrecking the place. Now there's laundry and dirty dishes and the unending tide of teddies and cars and rice cakes and crushed Weetabix and human excrement (apparently we've started baby-led potty training unbeknownst to us) to contend with.
10. I honestly don't care how shit my house/face/hair/jeggings look
All it takes is one sticky leg-hug from the miniature Joseph Stalin that we live with, to make me happier than if I could still fit in my wedding dress. (F*ck the wedding dress, now I can wear it as a really expensive scarf instead. Result.)Explore more on these topics: