Search icon


01st Jan 2022

The 8 Stages Of Talking Yourself Out Of New Year’s Resolutions

Sophie White

As if January isn’t a depressing enough month, every year we feel the need to self-flagellate with a host of (unlikely to stick) New Year’s resolutions.

I can honestly say that for the last decade or so, I have made the EXACT same resolutions every year and NONE of them have ever happened. I blame the non-event period of time between Christmas and New Year’s when we have nothing better to do but ruminate on what unsatisfactory human beings we are and go on self-loathing fuelled binges of leftover mince pies and the Roses that nobody likes. Somewhere between the bottom of the Roses box and starting on the Quality Street, we rise up from the festive stupor, notice that even our fingers have developed muffin top at this point and we utter the five words that will only lead to more disappointment and contempt for ourselves: This year will be different.

Here are the 8 stages of talking yourself out of New Year’s Resolutions:

Stage 1: Reflect on the year that was and catalogue your shortcomings

Every year my shortcomings remain unchanged: I eat too much, I drink too much and I seem to have quit running (again). Disturbingly a straw poll of my friends (who to my mind are all “better” than me) revealed that these are their shortcomings also.”

Stage 2: Make the list

The mode of recording the list is quite revealing of your commitment to the list. If you’re committing the vows to a papyrus scroll using a quill dipped in blood, then maybe you have a fighting chance of sticking to the resolutions. I write mine on Notepad for easy of erasing.

Stage 3: Imagine your life without carbs/wine

Then stop because it’s actually too terrifying to contemplate. Eat a sliced pan to calm the nerves.

Stage 4: Edit out some of the more ambitious resolutions

I’m keeping the sugar dammit… And the wine.

Stage 5: Gather an arsenal of necessary items for the New You

No New Year’s resolutions are complete without some totally useless purchases such as Protein Powder (I have several unopened bags of this from previous years’ lists), new active wear, a lot of kale and some ground flaxseed (the purpose of which I will Google later).

Stage 6: Commence living like there’s no tomorrow

These New Year’s resolutions call for a razzmatazz bender of EPIC proportions. Eat all the stuff and drink all the wine because come tomorrow the New You will be in charge and it’ll be nothing but early morning runs, cold-pressed juices and broths.

Stage 7: Realise that hangover fear does not bode well with the new carb-free existence

Abandon trying and get a chicken fillet roll. “Sweet relief, those 3 carb-free hours were hellish. Not sure I’ll last the year…”

Stage 8: Turn against the New You and celebrate with some Classic You behaviours.

Basically repeat Stage 6 until next New Year’s Day.