This one goes out to any poor b*tches out there in the throes of the third trimester.
Particularly in this heat because being it’s tough enough never mind the fact that it’s absolutely ROASTING.
10 super pregnant things you will say in the third trimester:
1. “Get this thing the hell out of me…”
Seriously. Leave now, baby.
2. “I wish I could somehow spread my legs wider.”
On attempting to sit in a normal chair at a table instead of beached on a couch.
3. “Feels like this baby is literally in my knickers at this point.”
Genuinely, how has it not just flopped out by now?
4. “Is it possible to actually die from heartburn?”
Further to this: “Could I be developing a dependency on Gaviscon?” You know you’re in trouble when you’re starting to enjoy the creepy, chalky texture of Rennies.
5. To self at 4 am: “Go. To. Sleep. GO THE F**K TO SLEEEEEEEP.”
Seriously the pregnancy insomnia is no joke. It must be serving some sort of purpose, like a biological hazing of sorts to prepare us for the newborn no-sleep phase.
6. To the Other Half at 4 am: “GRAB MY LEG, OH MY GOD GRAB MY CALF – IT’S WORSE THAN LABOUR.”
If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you must be one of the lucky ones because let me tell you legs cramps are evil.
7. “Did my waters break? Or have I just peed myself again?”
The age-old question.
8. “Either I’m having a contraction or the baby is now fighting back.”
It is very unnerving being repeatedly kicked in the vag from within.
9. “If one more person says ‘you must be about to pop’ I’m going to sit on them and talk to them about perineum massage until they beg for mercy.”
Hey Random Person, we are actually aware of how ginormous we are. Do you think it could’ve escaped our notice somehow that we look like a person with another person stuffed inside them?
10. Did I mention? “Get out, get out, GET OUT Baby!!!!”
Seriously a performing a self-section is starting to look like an attractive possibility.
Are you hitting peak pregnant? What’s really getting to you at this stage? Feel free to rant in the Facebook comments…
