If another person asks me if my son sleeps, I may have to murder them.
Nothing violent or anything. I'll just poison the glass of water they keep beside their beds, and as they drift off into the deep slumber of death I will whisper to them, "Now who's a good sleeper?".
The only people who may think that this is a tad over the top are the people who have so-called "good sleepers". I take MAJOR issue with this phrase largely because I do NOT have a good sleeper.
Here I will outline 10 measured and sound arguments (none of which are at all informed by the fact that I haven't slept in two years) for the change.org campaign I intend to launch to abolish this heinous and reductionist phrase from the English language.
10 reasons why "good sleeper" shouldn't be a thing
1. The wording:
The very wording suggests that a baby is good at sleeping, like they're capable of being "good" at stuff which I think is a stretch. They're a baby it's all pretty involuntary at that stage surely. Also it's basically saying that my baby is bad at something, which I don't like, natch.
2. The implication:
If they are failing at being a good sleeper, it seems to reflect badly on the parents. Perhaps this is a personal hang-up but I can't help but feel guilty (I'm a mother after all, guilt is my default setting) for his being a bad sleeper. If he's a bad sleeper does that in turn make me a bad mother?
3. The competitive thing:
The inter-parent competitive thing is nearly as exhausting as having a bad sleeper. Sometimes I can't fully decide whether or not the struggle is real or if it only exists in my head. Either way whenever some smug bitch (whoa, someone needs a nap) tells me how lucky she is to have a good sleeper my knee-jerk reaction is to feel irrationally criticised (and to lie about my son's sleeping habits). The good sleeper vs. bad sleeper thing just smacks of a 'my baby is better than your baby' vibe (to the ears of a severely sleep-deprived, arguably deranged mother anyway).
4. The Schadenfreude:
If I ever do admit to The Child's "bad sleeper" ways (usually in a weakened sleep-deprived state), I always detect a touch of schadenfreude in the other mums' reactions. Paranoid? Yes, probably a bit – I cannot stress enough what extended sleep deprivation does to one's perspective.
5. The routine:
Invariably some accomplished parent of a "good sleeper" will tell me about the routine, "you know babies love routine, have you tried a bedtime routine?". This makes me want to scream and possibly even fling some things around their perfectly ordered and lovely home. And maybe smash up their delicious sugar-free biscuits with my clenched fist. Biscuits that they have the energy to bake because their baby is a good sleeper. I imagine screaming back, "Of course I have tried a bedtime routine!!! Do you think I have just outright rejected the notion of a routine? Do you think I don't slavishly replicate the bedtime ritual of the night before EVERY SINGLE NIGHT??? He is impervious to routine." I think I need some sleep.
6. No one's commending me for not resorting to Dozal:
A little recognition would be nice, that's all.
7. People's sympathies inevitably lag:
When you're coming up on two years of "bad sleeping" friends and family invariably lose patience with your "I'm so tired" refrain, which is totally understandable, I'm tired of being tired also. However an underlying cause for their lack of sympathy, I suspect, is the fact that I never tried to go the sleep training route. I do detect a slight hint of "well you made your bed..." about their responses.
8. The "good sleeper" thing is unfair on the babies:
The "bad sleeper" title is just such a negative moniker to put on a baby. He is so good at everything else, he's a good smiler, a good laugher and a good winder.
9. It's baby roulette
Every baby is totally different and I genuinely think babies come with their individual sleep personalities already set – though obviously as the parent of a non-sleeper I kind of have to think this.
10. So what's the alternative?
I'm proposing a new angle on the "bad sleeper", going forward when people ask me that pesky question (usually accompanied by a sympathetic head tilt): "Is he a good sleeper?" I will be responding in smug tones: "Oh no, he's not a good sleeper but he's a really good waker. He's up with the birds every day. Three, four, five am – he is rearing to go. Full of beans he is. There's no lazing around in bed for 12 consecutive hours for this little go-getter."
