From the moment children are born, they make it pretty clear they have a voice and wish to use it. And the best place for them to find and develop that voice is, you guessed it, at home. As a parent, you are your child’s most important advocate until they are old enough and cultured enough to speak up for themselves.
When parents are making decisions involving their child, their child has the right to have their voice heard – their opinions should always be taken into account. But in our busy lives, their little voices can be overlooked.
The significance of giving your child an authentic ‘voice’ is measured in enabling their sense of identity, the prospect of being able to speak their mind and to stand up for themselves when necessary.
We chatted to ISPCC’s Alex O’Keefe on how we can you give your children ‘voice.’
1. Understand the importance of your child’s voice
So, let’s be clear about this: children are experts in their own lives, and we have to understand that we can learn as much from them as they can from being parents. They know what they like or dislike; their favourite piece of clothing, or things that scare or frighten them. For parents, these things are important to know, so giving your child a voice enables them to let you know their thoughts and feelings.
2. Talk to your child in age-appropriate ways
While children are learning how to use their voice and coming to grips with their emotions, they will also rely on other means to tell you what they’re thinking and feeling. Children can’t always put their feelings into words, so giving them a voice can often include paying attention to their actions and behaviours. For example, a toddler might tug on your clothes to be picked up, and use distinctive gestures to tell you to ‘go away’. When your toddler relies on body language, you can help with talking by repeating back what you think your child wants and explaining your response as you go. It’s important at the early stages that you enable your child to use their voice through their play and discussions.
3. Be available
Be mindful of the times when your children are most likely to talk to you for example; when they come home from school, at bedtime, in the car and BE available! Ask your child what they may want or need from you within this conversation – is it that they want to be listened to, that they need guidance or advice, or maybe it’s help dealing with feelings or solving a problem.
4. Listen to your child
One of the most important and effective things any parent can do to enable their child’s voice is it listen and show them their voice has been heard. You may not always agree with your child, however it’s important not to cut your child off when they are talking as this may prevent them from using their voice in the future – they might feel it will be a pointless pursuit. Sometimes as parents, it is about limiting your voice and opinions.
5. Give children a choice
Choices should be given to children from an early age as this gives them a voice and enables them to understand the difference between choices; good and bad. Like, “What would you like for dinner today” or “What movie would you like to watch” are everyday choices we can afford our children. If we feel we need to measure this as our child may choose something ‘off the wall’ then we can limit the choices while still enabling a choice. Say something like “What would you like for dinner today, pasta or potatoes?” or “What movie would you like to watch, Frozen or Spiderman?”
6. Acknowledge your child’s voice
Let your child know you value people who use their voice and speak up for themselves and what they believe. Reinforce your child’s assertiveness by advising your child “It’s good that you spoke up in that situation!” Encourage your children to express their opinions on matters that affect them and encourage children to explore options in a way appropriate to their age. For example; a five-year-old may be asked what activity they would like the family to go on – a trip to park, farm, or zoo. A ten-year-old might be asked her thoughts on becoming involved in an activity, and encouraged to consider their talents and interests.
7. Encourage your child to speak up
Growing up can be hard for children, especially when they are faced with difficulties or adversities. As we know, some children experience bullying and peer pressure situations. Children have different temperaments; they may be shy or sensitive. However it’s important you encourage your child to use their voice appropriately in these situations. As their abilities grow, take a step back and allow them to manage these situations without your intervention (unless it is necessary). Your child needs to learn to defend themselves and speak up – if you always step in and defend them they won’t develop that inner confidence and assertion necessary to stand up for themselves.
8. Participation within the family
Make sure your child participates within the family by holding family meetings about decisions (what type of pet to get or what chores each person should do) and allow for healthy debate. Make sure that each child has a chance to speak and be heard. When children know their opinions count, they are more likely to talk out and feel comfortable speaking up for themselves. Be mindful of more dominant siblings who can squash the voice of a shyer or younger child. Children need to be involved in their family’s decisions for healthy social and cognitive development. Participating in the family teaches children that they matter and can make positive changes in their environment.
9. Give leadership opportunities
Children tell us they gain confidence by entering into activities and clubs – this is great for teambuilding. Provide opportunities for your child to be a member of a team or youth club. These practices enhance self-esteem, build confidence and develop social and cognitive skills.
10. Encourage community involvement
Children play a vital role within their own communities, and there are loads of activities that can involve children in their local community where their voices can be heard: local events, volunteering, community clean-ups. Even the smallest child (with parental supervision) can pick up rubbish at the park, playground, or beach. This can also be a family bonding time.
Finally, as parents it’s important for us to model positive behaviour so that our children will copy this. Most parents wish for their child to be able to stand up for their rights or the rights of others. By enabling your child to have a voice and to model how best to use it, you will have taught your child a critical skill that they will need to use in every area of their lives.
Alex O’Keefe is the ISPCC Regional Manager (South).
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