Your child turns three. You do a dance and an offering up to the toddler Gods for getting you through the ‘terrible twos’.
For the past year, you watched them discover their independence and ability to communicate, and then use it against you as their daily super-power.
For twelve months everything, I mean everything was a battle: getting into the car, eating dinner, going to bed, walking in the same direction – just walking full stop – not throwing things down the toilet, and remaining fully clothed at all times. especially the most relevant times.
But just as the second year came to a close, a little calmness crept in, and finally I saw a light at the end of the struggle of wills.
Then she turned three. There’s a new-found calmness combined with an ability to communicate properly: cue the sudden realisation they have super-ninja powers – they can speak (i.e. negotiate), are independent (i.e THEY are in charge). Enter… threenagerdom. A three-year-old force of nature with all the stubborn will and expressive tendencies in the world, and a healthy dose of teenage attitude thrown in for your delight.
I have one at home right now. And you can pretty sure that as I tap away, she is destroying something. Her nicknames are many: ‘Destructor’ (a personal fave), ‘Tornado’, ‘Wrecking Ball’… you get the jist. Her daily rituals include: flinging, throwing, dropping, messing, instructing and demanding. Because she IS in charge.
If everything she did weren’t so bloody hilariously funny, I would have lost my mind a long time ago.
So, here are 10 ways to know you have a threenager in your home (this goes for boys too).
1. She demands a certain type of breakfast/lunch/dinner, which you dutifully make. Once you put it on the table, she decides indignantly she no longer likes said breakfast/lunch/dinner. And it’s on the wrong colour plate. Did you not know purple is now her favourite colour. The bloody service around here.
2. She absolutely will not get dressed, never mind wear what you have chosen. The cheek, she thinks. There is zero chance an adult is going to force their opinions on me. I AM THE BOSS around here, y’all hear that?
3. She needs a really specific toy/doll/inanimate object to bring to bed and NOTHING else will do until you search the entire house looking for it.
4. She can negotiate her way around anything and everything like a highly skilled mediation solicitor. The art of negotiation is impressive, manipulation the aim of the game.
5. A nap. In the middle of the day. You are joking… she says with her eyes, not words. It’s a steely glare that could cut you in two.
6. “Did you wipe your bum after the toilet,” you ask, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” she says with the same attitude a teenager has to doing homework.
7. She insists she can buckle the car seat belt herself as you stand in the rain getting soaked. Five torturous minutes of pleading with her to let you help her is 100 per cent fruitless.
8. Sudden eruptions of volcanic proportions happen along with slamming of doors and major proclamations like “NOBODY will play with me” and “I HATE that dolly.”
9. Every day or occasion calls for a Princess dress and sunglasses. And hell hath no fury like a threenager who cannot wear a Princess dress to school. To bed. To the supermarket.
10. She has extremely selective hearing. Or pretends she can’t hear at all no matter how loudly you call her name and how many times you bellow out her name for people to hear for a 10k radius.
And then she announces out of nowhere “When I grow-up, I want to be a Mama and to get married.” “Ah, to who,” I ask, “to Dada,” she says.
My heart explodes and I realise I am lucky to be living with a threenager – a constant source of amusement. After all, it’s practise for teenagedom at least….. I can’t wait!
