15 things I never thought I would say – and then I had kids

A lot is said about the amazingly cute, funny and straight-out mortifying things children can come out with.

And they do. At lightning speed. A source of constant stress and motherhood guilt is that I keep forgetting to write down in their respective baby books all the stuff my 5- and 2-year-old say that is worthy of taking note of. Like most busy mums, I just take multiple (mostly impossible-to-understand a few days later) notes on my iPhone or random scraps of paper, trying my best to remember just how fun and cute they are at this exact age. But; what surprised me more than all the stuff my kids come out with, is the stuff I find myself saying to them. Frequently. Sentences and words strung together that are so bizarre that I sometimes just have to stop mid-speech and think: "Did I just say those words"? Or "God, I hope nobody overheard me saying that!". Here is a little collection of sentences that have actually left my mouth in the last 5 1/5 years: 1. NO! It's not that I had never used the word "No" before having children, more the fact that never did I believe it would be used with such frequency. And passion. 2. Don't bite your sister! 3. Is that pee or apple juice? Don't you just hate those suspicious looking puddles...? 4. Did he poop today? Another thing that is somewhat of a cliche, but that I have found to be oh-so-true is the amount of time parents spend talking about poop. In great, horrid, graphic detail. 5. Don't taste the play-dough! 6. Why are there two Barbies in the toilet? (I never got an answer to this, but it has actually happened more than once...) 7. Don't eat it, Mummy has to pay for it first! Every time I am in the supermarket... 8. It's cream to make mummies brown. (When caught by 5-year-old applying San Tropez - wearing only granny knickers and a tan mitten. 5-year-old thinks fake tan looks like liquid poop. Which it kind of does, in fairness.) 9. I'm trying to get it out of his hair! Sudocream. A lot of it. 10. Call Mummy if his head goes under water (To 5-year-old taking a bath with then almost-2-year-old when I had to run out to wave a cloth under the smoke detector after toast got burnt to a crisp. 11. Take that out of your mouth! It has poop on it! (2-year-old putting the up-the-bum thermometer in his mouth and thinking it was a lollipop. I am still thinking about this when I kiss him on the mouth - and it is now three months later...) 12. You have to hold your legs out so you don't fall in. Toilet-training... 13. Did you wipe yourself? With paper? Go back and wipe yourself with paper! Still toilet-training... 14. I'm sorry about the raisins To the man who valets our car. He must think my kids eat nothing but raisins... 15. Why did you lick that?? To 2-year-old. A lot. Floor. Table. His sister's toys. His own toys. My arm. The inside of the bath tub. The list (and licking!) goes on...