Before giving birth to two boys in quick succession my life and home - or more specifically, my bathroom - was pretty normal.
But I quickly discovered that raising children of the opposite sex is a serious challenge, and one that you have to adapt to pretty damn quickly. If you are expecting a baby boy, or have recently become a boy mama, y'all need to get to grips with a whole new skill set BEFORE they start moving around.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
1. You need to hone your bathroom fumigation skills
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I hope you love your bathroom, because you're going to be spending most of your time in there. What was once your girly escape, filled with scented candles and girly lotions, will now be your Everest. It will never be truly clean again. Pee all over the toilet seat, floor, and walls alongside a constantly unflushed toilet (with god-knows-what left floating in it) means your house will smell suspiciously like a public urinal at all times. It doesn't matter how long or loud you scream... You will never again pee without having to first put the toilet seat back down or wipe two litres of someone else's urine off the seat. God speed sister.
2. You need to practice laughing uproariously at farts
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If you're a demure and classy type, who doesn't enjoy vulgar humour, you're in serious trouble. If you can't beat 'em join 'em because trying to a put a stop to this form of entertainment will backfire, so to speak. Prepare for farting hilarity to occur in the most inappropriate of places - restaurants, churches, libraries - and know that, frequently, you will be exposed to noxious gasses at very close range and without due warning.
3. You need to re-think your approach to health and safety
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Ok, I'm not saying you should send them out for a run around the garden with scissors or leave them alone with a box of matches but you should prepare to relax on the DANGER! front. Male children are a non-stop, anxiety-inducing, nightmare for nervous types. They eat things that are not medically advisable just for the craic, they inexplicably climb everything and jump from heights without warning, and you should seriously reconsider ever purchasing a trampoline.
4. You need to say goodbye to having a 'nice' home
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If you're house-proud then I'm sorry for your troubles. Frankly, the true scale of the filth, breakages, and general destruction is indescribable. You will see for yourself and you will cry, often. The encrusted snot on multiple surfaces, the toothpaste smeared all over the bathroom, and the grubby handprints on every single wall don't seem to be an issue for girl mamas. Male children also eat like pigs and will think nothing - nothing - of squashing their leftovers and unwanted substances down the side of the couch, or anywhere else except the bin.
5. You need to remortgage in order to cover your weekly shop
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They never stop eating. I'm not even sure that eating is the appropriate verb, it's more of an inhaling action. My advice? Buy an industrial grade catering fridge because the door will be opened (and probably not closed) approximately 473 times a day. Male eating machines are like a group of ravenous hounds, and if you want to keep a meagre meal or little treat for yourself, you should probably build an underground bunker and triple-lock the door because they will find you. They. Will. Find. You.
