Louise Stokes is the owner of cool Dublin-based jewellery hub, Loulerie. She chats to us about the juggle of owning your own business and being a mum to Sebastian, 3 and Ellie, 6.
1. Let go of planning every minute
I am a planner. I have worked for myself for nine years, so I was always used to setting out my day/week/month with lists and all to make sure I achieved my goals. I really thought I could plan motherhood the same; I was totally wrong. Some days, especially with a newborn, you might meet a friend for lunch or pop into work, but your baby might have other ideas. You also might have been up all night and want just to stay in your PJs! My advice is to do just that – if that's what you feel like. Go with the flow; tomorrow is another day. The most important thins is to rest, take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself up because you may have to change your plans. It's not the end of the world. Don't fight it, embrace it and just stop putting pressure on yourself. I was so much better at this with my second baby.
2. Enough with the books
I remember meeting my friend Sinead; we were both exhausted as our babies were waking each day at 4 or 5am. We spent hours trying to figure out what we were doing wrong: what did
Gina Forde say? How good were my black out blinds? Did I have organic cotton grobags? The list is endless; it's like being in school. There are so many books, so much information, suddenly everyone is an expert offering you advice, and it can make you feel like a failure if your baby isn't sleeping/walking/talking like the books say. One day my mom said, "babies don't come with a handbook" she was so right, you can read every expert in the world, but you know you and your baby best, so do what feels right to you. I often found my closest friends the best for advice, practical non-judgmental and supporting I would have been lost without my midnight Whatsapp conversations with pals.
3. It won't last forever
I was so desperate to get sleep I feel I wished my daughter's early stages away. I was so dying to get her to sleep through the night I wanted to race ahead to the next phase in her development. I was eager for her to crawl, talk, and speak. Now I regret that a bit, as she is nearly six-years-old, and in hindsight, it was only a phase but at the time, it can seem so all-consuming.
4. Stop being Judge and Jury
I really didn't know what to expect from being a working Mom. I was on my email in the labour ward and was in touch with my business daily when I had my daughter it was 2010. We were mid-recession; I didn't really have a choice. I found myself feeling I was terrible at work and terrible at home too, as I was trying to do everything as if nothing had changed, but things had, of course, I had a baby. I would look at moms with buggies longingly as I went off to work after leaving my baby at home and would beat myself up about it. Then, my best friend said to me she used to look longingly at moms going to work all dressed-up, and I realised I was the one being most harsh on myself. No one else was judging me for working and being a mom. My own mother always worked, and she is the most amazing woman I know.
5. Never underestimate the power of a blow dry
As I am writing this, I'm thinking this might sound really silly and un-important to some people, but for me, whatever you can do in the early months to make you feel a bit better about yourself, do it. My hair takes ages to blow dry and some days I just spent all day at home with my baby in my sweats, hair scraped on my head in an awful nursing bra (there's something about those thick straps that made me feel terrible). Sometimes when my daughter was really small, my mom would come over, and I would go and get a blow dry. I was in, out and home within an hour, but wow, what an hour – a coffee, magazine, and nice clean, glossy hair made me feel brand new and the feeling lasted for days. When my friends have babies now I always buy a small gift for the baby(usually something super-practical like a grobag) and a blow dry for the mom, it's about treating the mom too, it's so important to have a little bit of your old self back!
6. My Mom is amazing
I told my mom after having my first baby not to come down for a few days so we could "settle in." I was so wrong. On day three my husband walked into the hospital ward and said it was like world war. I was half-naked still trying to figure out breastfeeding (which I feel you should get some form of award for), a doctor had just told me my baby would have to wear a brace on her hip for six weeks and I was about to face the daunting task of taking my newborn home in a car seat – the whole thing was so overwhelming, I couldn't believe I was in charge of a mini human. I held it together until I got him, then cried to my husband, "call my mom"' – she appeared in no time, obviously waiting for my call. She sat on my bed and was so amazing to me; I will never forget it. Over the next few months, I used to hear the door click, and she would have dropped in shopping for me or taken my washing out, it's really those simple daily things that help when you are a new Mom. My advice is, do not be afraid to ask for help, there is no super-mom award for doing it all. So you didn't wash your floor or empty the dishwasher? Who cares.
7. Don't sweat the small stuff
You can't be everything to everybody at all times. I'm a working Mom so I can not be at the school gate every day, but that doesn't mean I love my children any less. I really look forward to the days I collect from school and relish that time with my children. I do play dates when I can, I can't always say yes, and you know what, that's ok. I'm really trying to get the balance right, I'm not perfect, and nobody expects me to be, so I just aim to do my very best. I recently took my daughter to work; she was so excited to see the shop on a busy Saturday. I explained that it's
my business and
my passion and that she can be whatever she wants to be if she works hard. It was important to me to show her what I work so hard for, in the job and what that means – that I can provide for my family.
8. See your friends; it's the best tonic
I only need a cinema trip or dinner out with my friends to feel great. Sometimes I am tired or stressed or coming from work or a frazzled swimming lesson, but every time, I think how lucky I am to have such amazing, funny, mad, entertaining and supportive friends. Spending time with them makes me so happy, when we're all together, we feel 18 again. We often have brunch on a Sunday morning with all our kids, it's nuts; but I love it. It's really the most important thing, and I truly value my friendships.
Catch up with Louise on Twitter for more jewellery and mum musings.
