No one wants to be known as the helicopter mother. But are we so scared of the label that we are ignoring our maternal instincts?
Nikki Walsh in conversation with mum Kate:
The other day I had lunch with an old friend of mine who has just handed in her notice and taken her child out of crèche. I assumed we would be meeting in an air of celebration but when I saw her she gave me an apologetic smile. It’s official, she said, I’m an obsessive mother. More recently again I had lunch with another friend of mine who has just gone back to work, leaving her eight-month old son in crèche. She was distraught. I pick him up, she told me, and I know by the look of him that he has been crying, but when I ask how his day went the women just glare at me and say he was grand. She looked at me sheepishly. You must think I’m such a control freak.
Why do women talk about themselves this way?
These conversations make me sad. I don’t think either of these women are obsessive or controlling for worrying about their children or wanting to spend time with them. I think they are hardwired to feel this way, and that their maternal feelings are as natural as the feelings of claustrophobia and isolation that might make another woman return to work. And yet time and time again I see women turn on themselves for having these feelings, as if they are in some way wrong or disallowed.
I can’t help thinking that the cliché of the helicopter mother has something to do with this. This fear-driven mother makes women the country over give a collective shudder, for she is the woman they suspect they might be, or fear becoming. I have witnessed women go to great lengths to prove to other women they are not this type of woman, from ignoring the needs of their child to offloading the label onto someone else.
Just the other day at a hen I admitted to friends of friends that I was nervous about leaving my son overnight for the first time. God, said one woman, flailing her hand gaily, I always forget about them after the first drink. Oh yes, said another, I’d leave Charlie with anyone. And on it went, as each woman protested just a little too much how relaxed a mother she was. If I had not been so busy doubting myself, I might have stopped to notice the note of defense in each woman’s voice..
Of course if we weren’t so busy worrying about whether we were obsessive mothers or not, we might be able to see ourselves more clearly. We might apologise less and demand more – such as more respect from the people we pay to look after our children, and more respect from mothers who are too afraid to acknowledge our feelings. But that might upset the apple cart, wouldn’t it?
Nikki Walsh is a writer and editor with a passion for what makes us tick. She lives in Dublin with her husband, her son and a heap of books, mostly on psychology.
Join Nikki next week for more rants from the regions.
Image via momsxyz.com.
