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18th April 2016
03:55pm BST

Me: Take a nap.
3-year-old: I can't. A snake walked into my room. Me: Snakes don't walk. 3: It was a dragon snake. Mother of God. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2016
Me: Share with your sister. 5-year-old: Sharing isn't cool. Me: Sharing is very cool. I share. 5: Exactly. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2016
Me: You put your coat on upside down.
3-year-old: No, I didn't. Me: Your hood is on the bottom. 3: My butt gets cold. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2016
3-year-old: *kicks me in the shin* April Fools! Me: Ow! That's not how it works. 3: Me: 3: *kicks me in the other shin* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2016
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to. 3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
3-year-old daughter: A boy at daycare said he likes me. Me: Do you like him back? 3: He colors outside the lines. He needs to grow up. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016