Dad’s Emotional Letter Charts The HUGE Feels Of Fatherhood

First-time parenthood is a magical experience, but there's no denying it brings with it a tidal wave of emotions that range from elation to fear and confusion. For New Zealand dad-of-two Patrick O'Malley, a perceived lack of connection with his first newborn daughter was a constant source of worry and anxiety. Now, three years and two kids later, the dad has written an open letter to other parents, to let them know that it's okay not to bond with your child immediately. Writing on the blog Queens of Constance, O'Malley explains:

"177 weeks. 88 fortnights. 40 months. 3 years. This is how long I have loved you. You were born a baby. Deep, I know. But it’s important. If I had known how much I would grow to love you I would have tried to capture the moment of your birth eloquently. It was long, we were tired and you did not want to come out. I remember being so terrified, and I can remember the rubber like quality of the umbilical cord as medical grade scissors bounced off the cord with my shaking hands."

Describing the dream-like memories of the first days at home with a newborn, Patrick admits the gravity of the situation hadn't quite sunk in, hampered by the whirlwind of sleepless nights and newness:

"Some parents instantly fall in love and others take time for that flame to alight. Is that an awful thing to say? Or is it so expected that we feel an instant connection with our children, that society puts us in a position of feeling like an inadequate person?" he writes. "If only I had known what would make my heart explode. Make tears well in my eyes, make my throat contract as I swallow this bulging lump."

Like many dads, Patrick worried about his ability to be a positive role model to a little girl. His own male role model hadn't been a positive influence. How would he manage? Then there was the everyday panics of parenthood: "Before ‘Love’. Fear. Are you eating right? Are you well? Are you sleeping right? Why is your skin that colour? What’s a snot sucker? How much Panadol should we give you? When did you last have Panadol? Do you have a fever? Are you teething? Why are you vomiting? When will you stop vomiting? Ouch that looks sore, how much cream? How much nappy free time? How much formula? How many poos is too many? Wasn’t she just sick?" Then finally, it all started to make sense to the man who still calls himself an 'amateur parent'.

"If only I had known that you would call me Daddy and tell me you love me. I look back now and think of all the fond memories. The countless funny faces, and tireless expressions. The continuous tongue poking you acquired. Your first smile. Your first giggle. When I changed you and you would kick me in my stomach and think it was the funniest thing in the world. Watching you kick with blatant disregard for personal and feline safety. Squealing with delight when you saw me. When your face lights up……. If only I had known that the most glorious moments of my life are when that light shines on me." "When did I fall in love with you? From the moment I first met you. I just didn’t know it yet. "107,048,700 seconds. 1,784,145 minutes. 29,735 hours. 1,238 days. 177 weeks. 88 fortnights. 40 months. 3 years. "This is how long I have loved you."

Read the full letter over at Queens of Constance. Best open a box of tissues first. Images: Facebook, Patrick O'Malley .