A (Hilarious) Day In The Life Of A Two-Year-Old

Don't even bother trying to figure them out. They're miniature versions of us, except they are certifiably crazy. And yet, we were all two at some point and turned out pretty normal – at least I did!

Here is a day in the life of my particular two-year-old, as told by him. (He's a genius) 5.50am Rise and shine, campers! Ten to six already! They'll be delighted with this lie-in, what a treat. They're gonna love me. I think I'll celebrate by singing some songs. Let me see now; I know half of Jingle Bells – who says that's just for Christmas? Not me – most of the Seaside song.... I do love a bit of 'You Are My Sunshine'... but I think we need a bit of the 'Wheels on the Bus.' Especially the verse where they sing about the baby crying... best verse ever. Loudest voice, and off we go. 5.52am Oh, wow, what a great singer I am. Sometimes I don't even know the words, so I just make up my own, but man, that song about the bus is such a classic. I'll sing it again! 5.54am Hmmm, what's that smell? Oh, well, not to worry. One of them will be along soon to clean me up. Maybe if I jump on the bed a bit, it will make it more fun to clean up. Come on Sniffy, jump with me! We can sing and jump all at the same time! 6.00am Oh, Sniffy, you're the best friend a two-year-old could have. Let me hug you so hard your stuffing will almost fall out. Funny how neither Mama or Dada have appeared yet, they're probably crying into their pillows with happiness at such a great lie-in. Let's go and see how happy they are to see us! We can press our faces right up into theirs; it's so much fun when we do that when they're pretending to be asleep. Anyway, I need a drink of water. Are you thirsty Sniffy?

6.01am

Morning Mama! Morning Dada! Hang on; it doesn't seem like you can hear me, let me get a bit closer

MORNING MAMA! SMELLY BUM! SNIFFY THIRSTY!

6.10am All clean again! Mamas are so handy. I was right about all that extra jumping helping matters. She's definitely awake now. Breakfast time! But first I'll play a game of saying I want to wear my Thomas the Tank Engine slippers when really I have no intention of wearing them. I think she loves that game. 7.00am I was right, that slipper game was the best. I think she's making that white gloopy stuff for breakfast – oh, I love that stuff. It goes great in my hair and makes my whole face really soft when I smear it all over. Mama! Spoon! I love when I ask for a spoon and only hold it in one hand while I feed my face porridge with my other hand. Isn't that what spoons are for?! 9.00am Oh, look! A crayon! What can I do with this? So many possibilities. There are two lovely little holes in my face at the end of my nose where I love to shove crayons. And any other item that fits. I know a wall or two that can do with some decent artwork, though, I know Mama loves when I try to decorate things with crayons for her. Especially the cream couch. But come on, they asked for that one really. A cream couch! LOL. 10.00am Mama looks pretty tired although I can't imagine why. The day is so young! Wait! We're going to the park! I love the swings! And the slide! And the swings again! And then when I get back into the swing I usually decide I want to be back on the slide RIGHT THIS MOMENT. NO, I DO NOT WANT ONE MORE SWING EVEN THOUGH I LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK HERE! SLIDE! SLIIIIIDE!

Ok, no, I don't want to slide anymore.

SWING!

11.00am Mama wants us to go for a walk. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was trying to tire me out. Bahahahahahahahahaha, silly Mama. 11.30am We're going to visit Nana and Grandad! YAAAY! I LOVE NANA AND GRANDAD! Nana and Grandad seem besotted with me, so Grandad brings me around the house and lets me press loads of buttons on things. He lets me sit in his car and press all the buttons there too. Nana sings lots of songs and reads me books, and whenever Nana tells me to do something, I do it! First time too, she doesn't even have to issue any threats like Mama does! Nana really needs to tell Mama how she gets me to do that for her. 12.30pm Lunchtime yaaaay! Sometimes I eat it and sometimes I don't. I like to keep Mama guessing. Like that time I made it look like I LOVED bananas, so she put bananas in lots of stuff for me but then I decided I hated them, so I just stopped eating them. Good times. Or sometimes it just depends on what bowl Mama puts stuff in. I can't believe the standards of this place sometimes. Imagine expecting someone to eat something out of a red bowl?!? 1.00pm I'm feeling pretty sleepy now, but they needn't think I'm going down for a nap without a fight. Although it would be nice to catch up with Sniffy, I've so much to tell him. Maybe I will go to sleep for a little while after all. But not without a fight! I think I'll pretend I'm not tired by crying really loudly anytime someone looks at me. 2.30pm

Oh no! They tricked me into sleeping again. Sometimes they do get the better of me, but I don't let them feel too smug about it for long. Anyway, I have a baby brother now, so when they're not looking, I'm busy teaching him all the tricks of the trade for when he gets to my age. Me and Alex are going to have so much fun! I love Alex. I like giving him hugs and kisses with my germ-ridden hands and my snotty face! Snots are so funny! I like pulling them out of my nose and rubbing them all over Mama's clothes. Her face goes a funny colour, oh, it's just so funny! Dada laughs too although he pretends like he isn't, I know he is! 3.30pm Oh, look! A crayon! I bet this would fit perfectly up Alex's nose! I better go and see if it fits. 4.00pm Mama is making dinner. Time to take everything out of the fridge when she's not looking! That's one of my favourite games. Sometimes Mama lets me stand on my chair beside her at the counter and help her. I'm such a good help! I know how to reach all the things that make the most mess. Sometimes I help Mama by pouring stuff on the floor and then I like to roll in it. 4.15pm Mama needs to use the bathroom. I like to follow her in there and ask what everything is. I know she likes the company and I ask so many questions about what she's doing. Then I like to put on the taps cos I can reach them now! I love washing my hands and splashing lots of water and helping her use lots of tissue, so I unravel it all for her. My favourite bit is when she presses the button, and all the water gushes into that big weird seat! It's very mysterious. Sniffy and I wonder about that a lot, so one day I decided to send Sniffy in there to see what actually happens. Mama didn't seem too pleased, and I didn't see Sniffy for ages afterward because he had to lie for a long time on the radiator, but at least he was nice and warm after his swim. 4.20pm Alex made a mess of his own. Mama is cleaning him up so it's time to see how far I can jump off the couch – oh look! Mama's phone! I know just how to press the buttons on this. Sometimes I press them too much, and then nobody can use the phone at all for ages! Oh, it's so much fun!

4.30pm

Time to ask Mama what she's doing again. I like to ask this a lot. Sometimes I might ask 'Mama? Ah-doing?' and when she answers, I'll ask it straight away again. Just in case she's doing something different. She's not. But it's best to check every two minutes, to be on the safe side. I hate missing out on stuff.

OH WAIT! I HEAR A VAN! NEE-NAW NEE-NAW! Even though Mama says that's not the sound a van makes; I don't care! I love vans. And fire engines! AND TRACTORS!

But most of all, I like trains! Percy is my favourite. Mama loves watching Thomas with me! Sometimes I make her put it on and rewind it again and again so I can see my favourite bit! AGAIN MAMA! I heard her tell Dada that she knows all the words by now and sometimes even dreams about trains for the three hours a day she does get to sleep. She's so lucky to have me to help her!

5.00pm DINNER TIME! Oh, I love dinner time. Especially when there's dip to dip all the food into. I'll eat stuff if it has dip on it. It's funny how almost everything is called chips, though; I need to figure that one out. But I do love chips, so I'll always eat them! Mama calls everything chips, and I trust her because she would never just tell me that to get me to eat stuff. Sometimes chips are green, and they don't taste as nice but I dip them into my dip, and I eat them anyway. I love dip! Mama says Sniffy eats all his chips too. I love Sniffy! 6.00pm Oh Goodness, Mama is so silly. We were playing Peekaboo, and I had the best hiding place EVER in the middle of the room with my hands over my eyes – and she STILL couldn't find me! I gave her such a fright when I shouted PEEKOOO, and she finally found where I was hiding! Oh, it was so funny! You'd think she'd know my hiding place, but she never figures it out! I'm such a genius! 6.30pm DADA IS HOME! Mama looks very relieved. I've no idea why – today was so much fun! Now that Dada is home, I don't want Mama to do anything for me for the rest of the night! Dada is my hero. He swings me around and throws me on things. I think I heard Mama shouting JESUS CHRIST once, but I was laughing so hard she might have said something else!

7.00pm

Time for bed! I don't want to go to bed, so I start to shout a lot. They said I didn't have to go to bed, but then I wouldn't get to brush my teeth with my Thomas toothpaste. I love that Thomas toothpaste! They squeeze it on to my penguin toothbrush, and it tastes so nice! Mama tells me not to eat the toothpaste, but I do it anyway. Then I ask what everything in the bathroom is 20 times just in case I forget. I also want to know what it does and why it's there. Then we get Sniffy and get into bed. Mama thinks I'm almost asleep, but then I remember I need another drink! Then she thinks I'm almost asleep again, but then Sniffy needs a drink! After all that drinking I need a song to celebrate, so Mama sings another song. She hasn't got a great voice, so I help her. Just as Mama is leaving the room, I remember that I have to tell her another story! And then we sing another song. Mama almost leaves the room, but then my mouth feels like sandpaper because it's 20 seconds since I last had a drink and I need another drink of water! After a while I forget what it is I want and I'm quite sleepy now anyway so I cuddle into Sniffy who gives the best hugs and say 'night night Mama, I love-oo,' and as Mama closes the door, I hear her blow me a kiss and say she loves me too. Catch up with Jen Ryan (a 30-something, married mam of two little munchkins and two dogs) on her hilarious blog, thescenicroutebyjen.com or on her Facebook page.