The error too many separating parents make (and the impact it has on kids)

Children's emotional and psychological well-being is usually one of the biggest concerns when a couple decide to call it a day.

Divorce can have a major impact on the mental health of adults and children alike. Many psychologists and child development experts believe that physical, psychological, emotional and behavioural issues in children of divorce are often linked to poor management of parental break-up. High levels of conflict, a lack of co-parenting or violence within the family increase the risk involved in divorce and its impact on child adjustment. Professor María Dolores Seijo Martínez, a social psychologist has been evaluating children's risk of experiencing health problems relating to exposure to their parents' separation:

"It is not the break-up in itself that has negative effects on the children's health, but improper handling of the situation by the parents."

Through her own research Professor Seijo Martínez has found that the children of separated parents are approximately twice as likely to develop gastrointestinal, urinary, dermatological or neurological issues than children living in two-parent families. The psychologist says prolonged exposure to what she calls "toxic stress" causes an intense, prolonged activation of the body's stress responses, which is the main cause of these physical effects in children:

"Poor handling involves very high levels of inter-parental conflict, which makes it very difficult to maintain a good relationship. If children are exposed to these family situations for prolonged periods, they often experience toxic stress."

However, a 2012 report from the American Academy of Paediatrics suggests that adversity alone does not predict poor adjustment and health issues in children, but rather an absence of good relationships offering protection and support is to blame. Seijo Martínez says that families going through a separation need outside support from a variety of sources:

"We need to support families in order to reduce these consequences. Professionals in direct contact with children, such as primary care workers or school staff, have a very important role in reducing toxic stress."

Treoir, the national information service for unmarried parents and their children, offers this advice for couples going through a split:

"Fathers, as well as mothers, are very special to their children and it is important for children that, where possible, both parents take a positive parenting role in the lives of their children and exercise their responsibilities to their children. Just because a relationship between parents is over this should not mean that one parent disappears out of the child’s life or mind. Children in all families benefit from the ongoing affection, interest and concern of both their parents. When parents support their child’s relationship with the other parent, they are promoting their child’s right to an independent and meaningful relationship with each parent."

The organisation offer the following pointers for a positive shared parenting experience:

Parenting is a job for life and for children there is no such thing as an ex-parent.
Children recognise the importance of a continuing relationship or link with both parents, no matter how distant
Remember that it is not adding people to children's lives but taking important people away that is hard for children to accept.
Children need to know that it is all right for them to love both parents and to like or love step-parents.
Try to come to terms with the fact that your children may have a relationship with their other parent over which you have no control. You need to respect each other's parenting style.
Adults need to separate their parenting relationship with their children from the relationship (or lack of one) they have with each other.
Don't let your own unresolved emotions get in the way and do not involve your children in parental conflict. Make a time to discuss disagreements and not in front of the children.