How To Get Your Kid Dressed For School In 50 Easy (Not Easy) Steps

Morning times – what used to be a relatively nondescript part of the day (because I used to mostly sleep through them) has now become something else to us entirely.

In our house, it has now become known as ‘The Battle To Get Jacob Dressed’ time.

Jacob is 4. He doesn’t mind getting dressed on Friday, Saturday and Sunday when he’s not in pre-school.

But Monday to Thursday? The very mention of ‘Let’s get dressed now, buddy’ sends him into a dramatic meltdown that would rival any X Factor semi-final loser’s diary room entry.

Here’s how it goes down:

1. Before bed the night before school, allow child to select their own clothes to wear the next day.
2. Check and double-check that they are completely happy with their selection.
3. Praise child for being such a grown-up in picking out their own clothes.
4. Have discussion with child about getting dressed the next morning.
5. Encourage child not to ’cause a fuss’ when mum and dad suggest it.
6. Realise child is not really listening as they are distracted by the fact that their transformers collection are not parked in what could be considered a straight line.
7. Get crayons and paper from drawer.
8. Hastily construct a Reward Chart with child’s (reluctant) help.
9. Thwart all of child’s suggestions that Reward Chart stars should be based on getting wee into toilet, and not getting dressed in the mornings.
10. Discuss point of reward chart as you stick it to child’s bedroom wall.
11. Negotiate number of stars which will result in a treat – you will say 7, child will say 2.
12. Negotiate actual treat which will come from good behaviour – you will say ice-cream with a flake, child will say robotic Optimus Prime which costs €100 from toy store.
13. Lay out child-selected clothes in ceremonial fashion on a chair in child’s bedroom.
14. Point at clothes, use ‘Mmm’ and ‘Ahh’ noises to positively reinforce child’s perception of clothes.
15. Spend next two hours getting child to sleep.
16. Wake in morning to child sticking foot into mouth in your bed.
17. Wonder how child got there without you even noticing – AGAIN.
18. Vow to start the day positively and suggest getting dressed before going downstairs to breakfast.
19. Child will stare you right in the eye and reply; ‘I need a wee’.
20. Encourage child to wee.
21. Vaguely wonder if you left child’s schoolbag in the car yesterday while you wait for them to return from the bathroom.
22. Wonder where child is and go to check the bathroom.
23. Child is not in bathroom.
24. Child has snuck off downstairs and is now ramming toy trucks into the legs of the kitchen table.
25. Bring child’s clothes downstairs and remind child that he promised to get dressed with no fuss.
26. Child will stare you right in the eye and reply; ‘Rice Crispies’.
27. Do ‘deal’ with child to get dressed right after a bowl of Rice Crispies with no fuss.
28. Child agrees.
29. While child is eating breakfast, fix funnel to your mouth and pour pots of coffee right in there.
30. Get milk from doorstep.
31. On return, discover that child is no longer at kitchen table.
32. Call for child who will ignore you indefinitely.
33. Locate child back in their bedroom hiding under the covers.
34. Loudly refer child to new Reward Chart on their bedroom wall.
35. Child will remain under the duvet and begin to create the sound of snoring.
36. Try to remain calm.
37. Realise that there is twenty minutes to go until school starts.
38. Rush to window and pretend to see child’s school friends already on their way to school in an attempt to entice a ‘race’.
39. Child will poke head out from under duvet long enough to stare you down for being ridiculous.
40. Sadly realise that child is smarter than you.
41. Tell child you have had enough and that you are leaving without him as you make your way back downstairs.
42. Rattle keys in hallway, open front door, call out ‘See ya later!’
43. Glance back upstairs, no sign of child.
44. Slam front door shut, get into car and turn on ignition.
45. Look at house in rearview mirror and see child wailing through the glass panel at the front door.
46. Feel terrible and rush back to child.
47. Promise child Optimus Prime TODAY straight after school for being such a terrible parent.
48. Child agrees to get dressed.
49. Locate clothes in kitchen which child will reject outright because they are ‘TOO BRIGHT’.
50. Go hand in hand upstairs to child’s wardrobe and make entirely new selection. School will have to wait, again.

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