The love languages can effectively be used as a communication hack.
The concept of the five love languages has been around since the early 90s, but has recently become popular.
Like astrology, the love languages have sort of established a cult following through social media. And like the star signs, each language has been the subject of many a Tweet or Instagram post a certain demographic uses to understand themselves better – be it a deep-dive infographic or a meme.
But while it isn’t considered an evidence-based practice yet, psychologists have acknowledged the concept has its uses. It can effectively be used as a communication hack to better understand our loved ones’ needs – as well as our own.
Creator Gary Chapman theorises people express and respond to love through the following: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
The concept was originally developed in the context of romantic partners, but it should also apply to communicating with kids, right?
Well, Chapman himself seems to think so, as the official ‘5 Love Languages’ website now has a section dedicated to finding out what your child’s one is. This contains resources and quizzes for children and teenagers.
So how does knowing the five love languages help in parenting your kid?
“When I use the love languages concept with my clients, I explain to them that we have love languages that we ‘speak’ and love languages that we ‘hear,'” Stefani Goerlich, a Detroit-based psychotherapist tells Mic. “Just like a native Spanish speaker learning to speak Japanese, we can always learn a new love language.
“Sometimes, it’s just about taking the time and effort to understand how our [loved ones] ‘hear’ love and making an effort to show them in the way that they will most easily receive it.”
In other words, understanding your child’s love language will do two things. First, it will ensure your child fully understands how much you love them.
Have you ever bought an expensive toy only for your kid not to seem too bothered by it – until you sit and play with it with them? Maybe their love language is quality time, and gifts don’t mean half as much to them as getting to spend time with you. In knowing this, you can make plans more fun and rewards more rewarding, because they’re specifically catered to your child.
Second, it will allow you to understand when your child is trying to show you love. Maybe your little one who clings to your leg koala-style isn’t as needy as you fear, but just loves you enough to not want to let you go.
Though parents and children give and receive love in all ways, the concept theorises everyone has a primary love language that they express and appreciate more. With this in mind, here are some ideas of ways in which you can best ‘speak’ each love language to your child.
Quality time
- Carve out one-on-one time.
- Do activities that allow you to give them your undivided attention, like story time, playing games, doing arts and crafts, playing ball in the garden or park, etc.
- Go on outings together, be it off shopping, a trip to the cinema, or getting a bite to eat.
- Do chores together.
Words of affirmation
- Compliment, compliment, compliment – especially for teens who appreciate reassurance.
- Praise them for specific things, be it for doing well in schoolwork, being a good helper, or showing kindness to a peer left out in the playground or schoolyard.
- Encourage them through compliments and references to past achievements.
- When you’re apart, share phone calls, emails or texts to let them know you’re still there for them.
- Tell them how much you love them on a regular basis, since words are their language!
Gifts
- Buy or make gifts that reflect their interests.
- When you’re apart, post them something or bring them something back from where you were.
- Leave an unexpected sweet treat in their lunchbox.
Acts of service
- Give them a hand with homework they’re struggling with.
- Put your own skills to use – if you’re good at sewing or makeup, you can help them look fantastic at Halloween, if you’re a good cook or baker, you can make their favourite foods, if you can draw, you can sketch their favourite cartoon characters or paint unique murals on their bedroom walls.
- Fix broken or torn things up for them.
Physical touch
- Give them frequent hugs, kisses, or caresses.
- Cuddle when watching TV or reading together.
- Tickle them.
- Have pillow fights.
