Kids learn what they live: disciplining without punishment

Sometimes consequences are necessary, but beware what messages you're actually sending to your child.

Despite outward appearances, punishments are not the best way to correct or teach children. Punishing a child for bad behaviour or a misdemeanour does not teach him or her what they did wrong, only that if they do X, they will be punished by Y. In addition to not really understanding why they should not do X, the punishment effect is only temporary. So, what to do when all hell is breaking loose and the kids are tearing strips off each other? Even though it may not feel like it in the heat of the moment, there are more respectful alternatives that teach children it's not the punishment that matters, but the consequences of their actions. 1. Explain cause and effect For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, i.e. everything we do has consequences, positive or negative. Children need to understand the reason and importance of engaging - or not engaging - in certain behaviours. For example... If you hit your brother, you hurt him and make him feel sad; if you don't pick up your toys, mum could trip over them and hurt herself. Most young children who misbehave don't know that what they are doing is wrong. Our responsibility as parents is to teach them why they shouldn't do X, Y, or Z, and what happens when they do so. 2. Explain that they alone are responsible for their actions Just as we teach that every action has a reaction, we must teach children that they alone are responsible for the consequences. If they decide to 'decorate' the walls with a permanent marker, don't lose the rag but do hand them the sponge. You can help smallies with their task, while using the opportunity to explain that the cleanup time could have been avoided or spent doing something a lot more fun if they hadn't drawn on the walls. 3. Pay attention to the positive It's very easy to fall into the parenting trap of only seeing naughty behaviour, but don't forget to catch them being good. Positively commenting on children's behaviour when they're not up to anything is hugely reinforcing and will stay in their minds for a lot longer than their last time-out. It also means that you are motivating them internally, not externally. 4. Expect some pushback Children often become hyper-aware when parents change their discipline 'style'. You can expect every trick in the book to be thrown at you in an effort to see where the new boundaries lie. Emotional blackmail, shouting, tantruming, pleading, and negotiating will all be par for the course once they've noticed that your reactions have changed. Stay consistent and things will settle down once they realise the new sheriff is staying in town.