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07th Jul 2022

Mums writes post on how to prepare for children and it’s the absolute truth

Melissa Carton

She’s spot on!

All the parenting books in the world will never prepare you for a parent. This is mostly because they don’t tell it like it is.

I’ve yet to come across a parenting book that doesn’t sugar coat things. The ones that tell you that you can potty train your child in two hours but not that you will spend most of your parenting life bribing them not to make a show of you in public.

When it comes to getting my parenting advice I want it straight from the horses mouth because parents like this mum take no prisoners.

Mum Laura Mazza posted it like it is and honestly it’s both hilarious and completely accurate;

“How to prepare for children:

Buy bananas, buy five fucking bunches. Eat them all. Whatever. Just make them disappear in a day.
Then buy more bananas the next day. The same amount if not more…and watch them go mouldy. Slowly. Say out loud “why doesn’t anyone want the bananas now?”


Play baby shark on repeat for 68 hours.
Every time you pick up a phone, ask someone to ask you “can you play baby shark”
Watch obscure things on YouTube like freaky cartoons with catchy songs in between baby shark. Always go back to baby shark.

Bring a bull into a supermarket with you. Let it go and apologise to people as it runs pass them, bucking. “He gets angry when not fed and hates movement”

Buy 4 pairs of huge underwear that come up to your neck, poke holes in them, wear them interchangeably
Ask your whole street for their washing, and begin doing their laundry. Ask them to wear and dirty it as soon as it’s folded.

Bite all the apples in your fruit bowl and put them back.

Clean the house, disinfect it, then smear yoghurt on the floor

Ask someone to cough in your eyeball.

Poo with the door open. FaceTime your friends and get them to ask you about your day while you strain.

Cover yourself in sour milk.

Try to unwrap a lollipop in 3 seconds flat. Set a loud timer that screams at you if you fail.

Buckle up an octopus in a car seat.

Get three monkeys and drive around with them. Give them popcorn and honey.

Make a snack every 7 minutes.

Go to bed
Get up again
Go back
Get up… go back, get up, go back, get up. Smash your toe into something really hard.

Pee yourself.

And now you’re 10% ready.”


The YouTube videos and car seat anecdotes in particular were all too familiar for me.

Saying that my favourite bit had to be when she finished it by saying that it will prepare you by around 10 per cent.

Accurate, oh believe me, accurate.