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21st July 2016
03:39pm BST
I'm being sarcastic if that isn't clear. Teachers are amazing and deserve every second of the break they get but, dear jeebus, summers are a test for a family.
Gone is the routine. During school time, Monday to Friday, you know what your kids' lives are and, therefore, you probably know what yours is too. Weekends, add in an extra parent, extra activities and, when Monday rolls back around, it all seems to make some cyclical sense.
The summer holidays remove all of that. Here is a list of the issues we've been dealing with so far this summer. Oh, we're not even a month in yet!!!
Being asked, every day, if school is on.
I'm not sure why but neither my 6-year-old nor recently-turned 4-year-old seem to understand the concept of summer holidays, no matter how many times I explain it, every day, without fail, I've been asked, "Are we going to school today?"
No. You're. Not.
Dying for summer camps.
It's not the same as school, but there is a time that the kids have to be somewhere with a packed lunch, and there is a collection time later that day. Yes! Relative normality. Positive? No, no, no. There is, of course, the guilt. Guilt that you're so glad they're gone. Just for a small time. You just need that uninterrupted cup of tea. You're not a bad parent. Oh, no. You are! Come back, little children, let me hold you and teach you and, actually, I'm quite enjoying this stem ginger cookie with my skinny latte. Forget it.
Summer camp envy.
"Oh? You're just sending little Timmy to the local, regular, run-of-the-mill summer camp? No, no. That's totally cool. Like TOTALLY cool. It's just that Fuinneog, our eldest, is attending a special camp for gifted children, where NASA scientists have developed a curriculum that fosters creativity and nurtures growth at the fastest possible rate, while still maintaining the child's independence and encouraging free expression of thought. And it's in Mandarin Chinese. But, no, your fella should be totally fine in the local, basic camp."
Actual holiday will be hell.
You're going to have to get away from this insane, structure-free environment at some point so why not do this? Pay a large amount of money to have a journey from hell to a place that doesn't have everything you need for you and your brood in a country where you don't speak the language and is too hot for Irish people and find that it's full of the parents of your kids' friends who are now judging your beach body and tan and there's sand in your sandwiches and what's the Spanish word for A&E cos your youngest has just failed at a triple somersault tuck with a pike off the top diving board and made the worst belly flop noise you've ever heard?!? Ah, holidays.
The "Back-to-School" run.
Even before the summer holidays have had a chance to sink in, while you're still basking in that warm glow of week one, where it doesn't seem to be all that bad, the ads are on the telly. Lunchboxes, backpacks, trousers that will never tear, rulers, pencils and everlasting rubbers (where were they when we were actually making all these kids?!?). You have to start planning already! Mind you; it does kind of hint that the summer break isn't all that long, doesn't it?
Activity Lists.
Here's a picture of an actual list of things we want to do this summer with the kids.
We wrote it on the blackboard wall and immediately regretted it. Forgetting our 6-year-old is reading now meant that we didn't realise he would read it out to his 4-year-old brother. They think we're going to try to do each activity on each day of the summer holidays. So, every day, we have to put out the fires of "Daddy, are we going fishing today? And then to the zoo? And then to Ireland's Eye? In a minute? After breakfast? Are we? Are we? Daddy?" "I'm off to work, love. Best of luck with that!"
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