1. The ‘Momtourage’ – involves kids, roller skates, bikes, buggies, skateboards and a couple of motley canines. In the middle of this energetic bunch is Mom, oblivious to the disapproving stares of the mummy mafia as they point to the ‘No Dogs’ sign. They know better than to take her on though, momtourage has a lot on her plate and once riled, she is about as diplomatic as a premenstrual Circe Lannister.
2. The Gossip Girls, aka the Mummy Mafia - firmly believe there’s safety in (small, select) numbers. These ladies congregate in groups on the best seats and facilities in the playground. To say they are territorial would be to describe the Pope as a catholic. These gals are experts in playground politics and always, helpfully, on hand to point out bad behaviour by other people’s children/dogs/husbands.
3. The Hipster Dad – has cycled to the playground on his vintage High Nelly, with little Aodhan on the back. On alternate Saturdays, they go to Yogalates. Scaling the climbing frame enthusiastically, Hipster dad realises his trousers are too tight. Too late. The Mummy Mafia are scarlet.
4. The Instagrammer – captures, filters and posts every #preciousmoment to create the impression of perfect parenthood. The children just about tolerate being interrupted every two seconds to pose for the camera and, as soon as they can, give the Instagrammer the slip – leaving him/her free for more #selfies and #coffee shots.
5. The off-duty Power Mum - is the poster girl for women in the corporate world and the dream of ‘having it all’. She’s just back from winding up one of the company’s loss-making operations on the other side of the world so she’s jet lagged and in need of serious downtime. Clutching a triple espresso and a Blackberry, she stalks the playground in a personal cocoon of full-length puffa jacket, beanie hat and sunglasses.
6. Detached Dad – is under clear instructions to take the kids out from under mum’s feet, but missed the bit about actually playing with them. As soon as the kids have scattered to the four corners, detached dad positions himself on the nearest available seat to watch Match of the Day on his phone. He’s the only adult in the playground oblivious to the cries of distress when one of his own youngsters gets his head stuck in the climbing frame.
7. The Over-Ambitious Auntie – thought that taking all of her nieces and nephews to the playground at once seemed like a good idea. Now, one of them’s lost and another’s limping. She tearfully realises she’s bitten off more than she can chew and is nowhere near as skilled at ‘command and control’ as the likes of Momtourage. The Mummy Mafia roll their eyes at this rank amateur.
