6.45am It’s around this time that I decide to awake from my slumber. I was also awake at 4am and 2am before that, but now I mean business. I am in their bed already. Our bed. What I really mean is my bed. I have been here since the 4am preliminary wake-up call. My duty in the morning is to wake up my mum and my dad. They never asked me to do this, but it is my obligation.
7.00am After much pinching and pulling I use my usual tactic, which is sitting on top of my mum’s neck, that usually does the trick. She doesn’t thank me at the time, but I know that she appreciates my help. She got at least three hours sleep… that will do.
7.30am Time for breakfast. The floor and I will share your finest wholegrain cereal, a little fruit and toast please. The dog will also share. Breakfast for me is like an art form. My mum supplies the materials and I do with it what I can.
8.30am I don’t want to talk about it… nappy change, but only if she catches me. I like to get to the stage where the nappy is off, Mum reaches for a wipe; I twist and roll and run for the nearest exit. It’s an effective strategy and one I would recommend. Getting dressed is another thing that is best avoided.
9.00am I love Pip; Pip, Pip, Pip. Come back! I just want to pull your hair and your lovely doggy beard and your ears and grab your tail. Pip!!
10.00am Say “Mama” say “Thank you”, NO I will not. I will say “Dad deeeee Dadeeee” and “shewsh” (shoes). I know where my nose is too, so drop it, please.
11.00am I am so tired. It is all your fault. I hate my life. I can’t do this anymore. Nooo I won’t go to sleep, what do you mean sleep? I am too tired to sleep….. zzzzzzz.
12.00pm Where are you? Hello? Get me? Ah, I am back downstairs at last. Oh, I see you have tidied up. No problem, I’ll fix that…
13.00pm Oh no. Lunch time. These potatoes are best rubbed into my hair and eyebrows. My eyes… my eyes!
14.00pm Nappy… (repeat 08.30am trick)
15.00pm I usually use this time, if we are staying at home to do everything that makes my mum say ‘no’. She loves that word, so I aim to please. I usually climb the stairs, steal her phone or try to get at anything hot, sharp or electrical.
16.00pm Swings, wheeeee! Let me go. Take off this hat and scarf and leave me alone. I am fine. I can manage on my own in this wilderness.
17.0opm Stories, yay! Next page, boring! Actually, just close this one all together… next book now. Pip, Pip…
18.00pm Dinner time. Daddy’s home. I’ll pretend that I don’t care but really, I am just a bit embarrassed for a second. I love him.
18.30pm Bubbles. Water. My eyes. My eyes!
19.00pm I don’t love my dad actually. He is trying to put me in new clothes; he keeps saying PJs, who is PJ? Leave me be.
19.30pm Noooo, I can’t sleep, I hate sleeping. I am not tired, as I told you. I can stay up please… I love you. Why are you doing this to me? I am wide awake. I….zzzzzzzzz
Gail Condon is a former nurse and the author behind the hit personalised children’s books, Writing for Tiny. She hails from Cork and lives in Dublin with her husband, Paediatrician Michael Carter and their daughter Rosie.
