"The parents’ committee can smell fresh blood"
Every year, we say we’ll be more prepared for the kids going back to school, but it never happens. The summer weeks just seem to disappear and suddenly there’s an almighty panic to cobble together everything on the booklist, a new uniform after your child has grown ten inches in the space of two months, a school bag bigger than the child, and the obligatory stationary haul.
For parents new to primary school, these things are a given. But take it from me, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Here’s a list of nine things you need to know if your child is about to join the esteemed ranks of Big School.
1. The Parents’ Committee
The chief suspects can be easily identified. Look out for a man/woman waving like Postman Pat at anyone they meet on the walk to school. It’s part of their unofficial job description to know everyone. And they can smell a newbie a mile away. If you spot one, avoid all eye contact. I repeat, avoid all eye contact or you’ll be making tea at the next school event before you blink. All joking aside, joining the committee is a great way to get an insight into how your child’s school works and to meet other parents, particularly if you are new to the area.
2. New Shoes
Unless your child’s school has a rule about wearing shoes, do not waste your money on that patent black pair. They will be in bits as quickly as you can say: ‘How have you got another hole in your school tracksuit bottoms?’ Your child will probably revert to their runners as soon as you have finished taking the millionth First Day of School photo anyway. Get a cheap pair if you are set on achieving that Insta-perfect look but invest in good waterproof runners instead.
3. Homework
For anyone that homeschooled over the past two years, homework will forever more be a relative walk in the park. For anyone new to the scene, welcome to hell. The kids don’t want to do it as much as you don’t want to do it with them. This level of double contempt can never end well.
4. Sports Day
Forget about taking your child for extra training sessions out on the green to make sure they bring home the gold. Everyone’s a winner these days, so no need to dust off the wooden medal display shield in the shed. They might get a participation prize for good measure at best.
5. Donations
If you think the ‘voluntary’ contribution is going to be your biggest expense, think again. Every school day is an opportunity to empty parents’ pockets. We’re talking about that book that was left off the list, Wear Green Day, Jersey Day, Blue Ocean Day. More like Put Me In The Red Day. And then they throw in school photos every year. Add in Irish dancing classes, GAA training, supporting the sixth-class enterprise project, Christmas annuals, book fairs -- the list is endless. Gather up those coppers because you’ll be needing them more than a charity box.
6. Fads
If it’s not Pokémon cards, it’s fidget toys, the newest Smiggle pencil case or loom bands. Hold firm and ignore all conversations about how everyone in school has the latest must-have, because approximately one week later, the school will have banned these objects.
7. Party Invitations
Thankfully, our school hasn’t gone down the road of WhatsApp groups — I’ve enough of those in my life. However, this makes it awkward when your child’s birthday comes around, particularly when the kids are not allowed to hand out party invitations on school grounds. This results in grown adults skulking around the school gate, sliding folded-up pieces of paper — without the principal catching them — into the hands of complete strangers. It’s a skill, and I’m very, very bad at it.
8. Permission slips
Get ready to sign permission slips for everything under the sun. I say sign, but everything is, of course, on a nifty app these days. However, it is just as likely that I will forget to tick the box on these permission requests because there are SO MANY OF THEM. Kids basically need permission nowadays to cross the corridor.
9. Lunches
I cannot explain how annoying it is to have a packed lunch prepared for all your offspring every morning that must include fruit and must not include whatever random bits you have in the press. Because there are people checking. Yes, don’t even attempt to sneak in a chocolate-coated rice cake or a packet of crisps. It won’t end well.
Good luck to all new parents and pupils. You have a wild ride ahead of you.
Kate White is a writer, sub-editor and mammy to two little girls. She lives in north county Dublin with her farmer husband, but you'll never catch her in a pair of wellies. Tea is her best friend.
