'Why Do We Think It's Cool To Judge Other Mothers?'
It's human nature to judge people. It's just what we do, whether we admit it or even know it. I like to think I can keep an open mind and not make assumptions but of course I do, despite my best intentions.
Until I entered the baby world however, I had never come across open judgement like the type I've experienced when women judge women: Mother vs Mother.
When I was pregnant and still blissfully ignorant of what was ahead of me, I had all sorts of grand plans about the type of mother I would be. For example, I would certainly be breastfeeding - this was top of my list (even if at first the only reason was because I heard it helped you lose a load of weight!). It was important to me that I would breastfeed because I personally believe that's what is best. I did my own research and reading on it and this was my personal decision. I would install sleeping and eating routines as early as possible, I would do all these brilliant and perfect parenting things to ensure I was doing my best.
What I didn’t bank on was that once the baby arrived, I was given very little choice in most of these things. Almost everything I had planned, the opposite happened. I ended up having an emergency C-section, so that affected the skin-to-skin time that I had planned for after the birth. He ended up having to go to the care unit the morning after he was born and that affected our breastfeeding plans. He had colic and that affected almost all the rest of our plans. At first I felt guilty about all these things – especially the breastfeeding. But no matter how I tried to breastfeed (he had been put on a bottle with formula while he was in the care unit because they had to ensure he was getting what he needed and my milk had not fully come in yet) he refused to latch on.
I expressed for the first seven weeks or so, and he was combination fed during that time. But I found it too hard to sustain – the routine of expressing, feeding, sterilising, making up formula almost every hour coupled with the pure exhaustion of those first few weeks and the fact his colic was pretty bad meant I eventually settled on just formula feeding him.
Even writing this now to some extent I feel like I am explaining myself. Why is that? And who am I explaining myself to? Me? I felt like I was failing him.
I did feel guilty. Self-imposed guilt, I feel it’s important to say. Not one other person ever put me under any pressure to do anything a certain way. During those night time feeds I’d often take out my phone and have a look at some online groups on Facebook. I just wanted someone to tell me that it was okay to do things the way I had to do them so I could reassure myself. Some groups were great but others genuinely made me feel worse.
The level of judgement was shocking. I had thought we were all on the same team, but it turns out that for some, we’re not. There are breastfeeders Vs formula feeders. Co-sleepers Vs Separate Room Sleepers. Soothe to Sleep Vs Cry-It-Out. It was the same amount of judgement going in both directions in each argument.
One of the most hostile and judgey groups was one for sleep training. One poor mother (obviously desperately exhausted) had posted that she felt her only option was to let the baby cry for a while. She was vilified by some of the members – it’s nothing short of bullying. Once I saw the reaction she got I left a lot of the groups. Who needs that on top of everything else?
Somewhere in the midst of this self-imposed guilt I came across a piece online written by a new mother. She pointed out that some people do things by choice and some by circumstance. It struck a chord with me and I remember thinking – Nail.On.Head! Reading that made me realise that I should be proud of how I was coping because in fact they were not my decisions. They were not my choices – they were my circumstances.
Why do we feel it’s okay to make assumptions on how other mothers choose to do things? For that matter, why do we even assume that it's their choice in the first place? Why did one woman look at me one day in a coffee shop while she was breastfeeding her child and I was making up a formula for mine – did I imagine that look of pity or disgust she just gave me? Perhaps the look was a result of my own paranoia born from my own guilt. Or perhaps it was real.
Despite the negative experience, my biggest source of support was – and still is – a group which also started online. The November 2014 Babies group was founded when we all discovered we were due our babies at the same time, girls from all over the country found each other and from there we eventually ended up with a group on WhatsApp where we still chat daily. And let me tell you – they are the best bunch of girls with the best support, friendship and laughs I could ever need to help me figure out how to be a mother.
As a rule, women need to remember that we are all on the same team: Team Mother, and we are all doing a fantastic job in our own ways based on the circumstances we find ourselves in.