This Irish mum talking to her son about respect will make you think

Taking a break from the Halloween parade crowds my teenage son, his friend and I sat on a bench and watched people pass by.

Suddenly the two boys half-rose from their seats. They both called out to a girl who looked quickly at them and rushed on. "She's our friend, from school" was their reply when I asked about the encounter but I could tell from their excited faces that both boys wished this girl was more than just a friend. They couldn't stop talking about her. Then they suggested going to find her. "When she saw you both she seemed like she didn't want to stop and chat," I said. "What do you think?" "She always does that when we see her out.She's very shy" said my son's friend. The boys were excited and kept talking about going to look for her. "Do you think she wants to be found?" I asked. "What have her actions told you?" They both agreed that her actions were not those of someone who wanted to be found. "Do you think your desire to see a girl you fancy is more important than her desire for privacy?" I asked them, backing them into a corner somewhat. They agreed that we should all respect her wishes. I told them that this girl knew where we were if she changed her mind, which, given how quickly she ran on didn't seem likely. "She doesn't owe you anything". "She doesn't owe you even a hello if she doesn't want to talk and she certainly doesn't owe you any of her time. And following someone who's indicated they don't want to be followed is creepy. And wrong. You don't want to be creepy right?" The boys looked shocked. "No way!" they said. they didn't want to be that guy. Like most women, I've been in that girl's shoes. I've been chased, harassed, catcalled and stalked by boys and men. I've wondered more than once did anyone in those men's lives tell them women owe them nothing and being creepy is wrong. We're all products of the family and culture we grow up in so it is up to the parents, carers, teachers, government and media to set the tone and create a safe society for all. In Ireland, gender inequality is written into our constitution. The government are cutting funding to women's services and refusing to compile reports on the scale of gender-based violence. A 2016 study from the University of Sussex found that participants in the study were unable to differentiate between quotes from men's magazine and quotes from convicted rapists. Below, you'll find a selection of quotes from the study;

 Some women are domineering, but I think it's more or less the man who should put his foot down. The man is supposed to be the man. If he acts the man, the woman won't be domineering. I think if a law is passed, there should be a dress code . . . When girls dress in those short skirts and things like that, they're just asking for it. Girls love being tied up . . . it gives them the chance to be the helpless victim. I think girls are like plasticine, if you warm them up you can do anything you want with them.

The first two are rapist's statements, the second two are from men's magazines. When asked to rate the statements according to which ones were most derogatory participants rated the men's magazine statements more highly than the convicted rapists. Lead study author Dr Miranda Horvath said that the findings shocked the team:

"We were surprised that participants identified more with the rapists' quotes, and we are concerned that the legitimisation strategies that rapists deploy when they talk about women are more familiar to these young men than we had anticipated".

Co-Author Dr Peter Hegarty added:

"There is a fundamental concern that the content of such magazines normalises the treatment of women as sexual objects...are teenage boys and young men best prepared for fulfilling love and sex when they normalise views about women that are disturbingly close to those mirrored in the language of sexual offenders?"

The society we live in could be viewed as encouraging rape culture. Even the best parent in the world cannot protect their children from it, it's everywhere. What we can do is talk to the boys in our lives about respecting body autonomy - their own and others. We can talk to them about consent and how consent is not always verbal. The girl in our story did not say a word to us, but her actions made it clear attention from the boys was unwelcome. Speak to boys about how girls are socialised to be compliant and not make a fuss and so this means that extra care must be taken to ascertain consent and boundaries. These conversations can start early, with toddlers, as consent and respect for bodily autonomy is not just applicable to sexual situations but to all of life. Talking to our children about consent, body autonomy and respect for others helps to keep everyone safe. If a child has absorbed these concepts they are very aware when someone has crossed their own boundaries. If they know how wrong this is they will be outraged by it. It's time to normalise the language of respect and body autonomy, rather than the language of rapists.