Musings: Watching Marie Kondo doesn’t help when it’s anxiety that makes you hoard

The new year always brings Marie Kondo to the yard.

It's like we all hear Auld Lang Syne and flock to her Netflix show to help us de-clutter our lives. I haven't watched the show or read her books. They look and sound fantastic but I know deep down they can't help my hoarding. I've always been a hoarder. I'm just one of those people who can never throw anything away. I find it so hard to part with even the smallest things like old receipts, just in case, I might need them again. It's something that I've been working on over the years, moving house recently made it apparent that my hoarding habit hasn't been kicked. The logical part of my brain knows the solution. Get rid of most of it. But another part of my brain stops me. I was in my teens when I was diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD. Asperger's is mostly associated with being socially awkward but it also brings with it a fear of change. Most people with the neurological condition will have repetitive  rituals, myself included, that they will do to calm their mind of anxiety. Whenever I think of getting rid of my belongings though, it fills me with panic and anxiety. The stress leads to me abandoning any notion of offloading anything and nothing gets done. The mess and the clutter remain. Ironically, the mess makes me even more anxious. I end up caught in this loop of feeling overwhelmed and unable to figure out how it fix it. It's gotten to the stage that I often ask my husband to chuck things out while I'm not home so I won't keep backtracking. It's one way of getting things done but it's not the perfect solution. Becoming a parent has only added to it. Now on top of holding onto my own belongings, I'm holding onto my children's too. It's natural to want to hold onto keepsakes, but I find it so hard to part with any of their clothes or toys. I've had people tell me that when I move it'll be fine because I'll have more storage. Honestly though, when I go I don't want the mess to follow. For years I've been transferring my clutter from one home to another. It's a habit I no longer want to continue. When clutter is caused by a block in your mind rather than a lack of tidying tips, it can be hard to overcome. I know in my heart of hearts that Marie Kondo can't help me, bless her for trying. This isn't something I can fix by figuring out what brings me joy. It's something I'll only fix when I figure out what brings me less anxiety.