Here’s why not all bereaved parents like the term “rainbow baby”

This Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, let's remember that grief isn't a "one size fits all."

When rainy skies collide with the sun, a rainbow is formed, bringing colour out after the grey. For this reason, the term "rainbow baby" has been introduced to describe a healthy baby born after a prior pregnancy or infant loss. The idea is that the newborn child is like a colourful rainbow to have emerged after a terrible storm. While many in the pregnancy or infant loss community embrace the term, some bereaved parents aren't as comfortable with it. There's a number of reasons why it doesn't sit right with some people despite bringing such comfort to others. For parents who use the term, it acknowledges the heartache and grief that came with the loss of one child, as well as the relief and joy that came with the birth of another afterwards. Yet for those who reject it, the term doesn't just attach a stormy comparison to the loss of the child who died, but to the child themselves. "For a long time I rejected the title, feeling protective of Sylvia and hurt by the idea that anything surrounding her was a storm," Teresa Mendoza, a US-based nurse, wrote on Instagram regarding her second child being referred to as a rainbow baby after the loss of her child. "She is perfect, not a storm, we are heartbroken, but she is not a storm, it was a great tragedy, yes, but she is not a storm." https://www.instagram.com/p/BadLvv7gV3Q/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Teresa also told Today: "Referring to anything with her as darkness or a storm felt like it focused strictly on her death rather than her very real life.

"Pregnancy and infant loss is already so very stigmatised and shrouded in families feeling isolated and pressure to ‘move on.' My kids are siblings. One of them is dead and others are alive. I don’t feel the need to call their existence anything other than they are their sister’s brothers and she is their sister."

Likewise, Meg Konig, a photographer from the States, says the term didn't sit right with her when she first heard it before miscarrying her daughter, Hope. "It alludes to her brief existence as a kind of tumultuous event that we had to overcome," she wrote in an essay for Colorado Springs Mom Collective. "In retrospect, my family and I remember Hope with gratitude. We are thankful she gave my husband and I the hope that pregnancies bring. "Having to say goodbye to Hope all too soon was so very hard and brought grief. But we want to remember her, herself, as the rainbow." Meg says that on top of associating the child who passed away with stormy weather, it does an injustice to the child born after them, too, in that it stops each birth from standing alone as two separate events. "Calling my son a rainbow baby can also give the idea that he was not entirely planned," she continued. "I believe that Everett would have always come into our lives, no matter the events before his conception. "He was wanted and planned-for—not as a result of a miscarriage, but because we wanted another child. He is simply the product of my husband and I wanting to grow our family. As he grows, I would like him to know that his life was part of a bigger, intentional plan for our faith-filled family." There's also the issue that grief can't be overcome as easily as a storm or tumultuous weather. It doesn't just clear up and go away; it's something you're forced to live in until you learn to live with. "I believe the grief and pain of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss never completely passes," Meg said. "When I look at my family today, I still see the chronological gap between my oldest daughter and my son, and picture Hope in that spot. I do not believe the ache that absence brings will ever really cease, but I have learned to live with it." Whether you embrace or reject the term "rainbow baby" is completely up to you as a bereaved parent. While the above reasons stop it from sitting well with some, others find it a useful way to speak about a difficult loss they've experienced. Whichever you find it to be is entirely valid, and others should respect your preferred use of language when referring to your experience. After all, grief is never a "one size fits all."