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17th July 2015
05:27pm BST
10 most dangerous things to say to a pregnant woman
1. "You must be about to pop."
Nope, nope I am six months pregnant, nothing's popping anytime soon.
2. "It's your turn to..."
It is never my turn to do anything, I am growing YOUR baby. (Or is it Tom Hardy's baby???)
3. "Should you be eating that/drinking that/jumping on that trampoline?"
Just to be clear, MY pregnancy has nothing to do with you. NOOTTTTHHIIINNNGGGG.
4. "I didn't even notice you were pregnant."
This is a double-edger, likely to be met with suspicion. "Did you not notice because my bump is so neat or because I was just always this fat? Are you calling me fat?"
5. "You're HUGE!"
Now you really are just calling her fat. Run, run away before she waddles after you and sits on you.
6. "Maybe you should..."
Nope, whatever it is I don't think I should. Shoulds and have-tos and pesky obligations do not apply to the very pregnant.
7. "Are you keeping up your fitness?"
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
8. "I see you're really taking that eating for two thing to heart."
Remember that bit in Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal Lector ate yer man's face? That will seem mild compared to what I will do to you if you remind me one more time that I am only supposed to increase my calorie intake by 400 per day when gestating. Now, give me the Nutella and a spoon.
9. "Do you need help rolling over?"
Of course I do, but I resent your alluding to it in conversation. Just reposition me without the commentary thanks.
10. "Are you still here?!"
The question is are YOU still LIVING???
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