Lots of expectant mothers really enjoy all the magical stages of the human gestation; this list is not really for these people.
This list is for the people who are feeling pretty goddamn cheated because instead of a glow, they got ass sweat. And instead of a serene nine months of folding impossibly small clothes on a perfect bump and painting the baby’s room Custard Cream Yellow with an adorable smudge of Farrow and Ball on their cheek, they spent it frantically googling phrases like “18 weeks pregnant can’t stop crying”. In short, they found themselves trapped inside a real pregnancy instead of a life insurance ad.
10 Lesser Known Stages of Pregnancy (With The Involuntary Sounds We Make to Accompany Each)
1: The “Am I, Aren’t I?” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Oh, the confusing early stages when everything from itchy feet to a sudden inexplicable desire for hot dogs can seem like a symptom.
2: The “Oh my GAWD, I Actually AM!” stage
Involuntary Sound: *Hyperventilating*
So even if you were dying for a little foetus in your life, the moment when you realise it’s happened can still be a bit mad. The hyperventilating will pass. You can do this.
3: The “I can’t stop stressing about the bottle of wine I drank when I didn’t know” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Baaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh”
The internet will literally TERRIFY you about everything you do from now on best not think about it too much.
4: The “I can’t move because I am more tired than I have ever been IN MY LIFE” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Oooooph.”
Oooooph is the noise that now accompanies my every move during the dreaded pregnancy tireds. Even just looking to the left is indescribably exhausting during gestation. And don’t even talk to me about hauling my bovine body in and out of cars. “Oooooph, oooooph, ooooph.”
5: The “Give me all your gherkins” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Nom, nom, nom.”
Even more common for me than the craving random things, is the craving the food of others. Like the exact food, that’s in their hands right this instant. “Give it to me now,” I want to demand.
6: The “Wheyhey I can balance stuff (okay FOOD – let’s be honest here) on the bump” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Whooop, whoop!”
At last this pregnancy lark is paying off.
7: The “I can no longer see my vadge” stage
Involuntary Sound: *Sob*
ANYTHING could be happening down there for all I know (it’s totally not sadly, see also 10 Things That Happen When You’re Pregnant and Horny). Everyone knows the “can’t see my feet” stage” but in reality, if you just lean forward you can totally see the feet, what’s actually totally out of sight not to be glimpsed again for many months is the vagina. “Goodbye, Fanghita it was nice knowing you.”
8: The “Every time I squat down to pick something up off the floor, it’s hit and miss whether I’ll make it back up at all” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Ah craaaaaaaap.”
For the most part, I’ll just leave it down there unless it’s food.
9: The “F*CK EVERYTHING” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Arrrrrggggggggghhhh.”
Get it out of me. This is the point when the pregnancy officially gets old and you really just want the baby out not, even though you know that it’s gonna be a helluva lotta more work once it’s out loose in the world.
10: The “Is that my waters or did I just piss myself in Tesco (again)?” stage
Involuntary Sound: “Ehhhhh…”
The old ‘is it uterine fluid or is it urine?’ debate dominates the final weeks of pregnancy. The pelvic floor is just a distant memory at this point.
