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29th Aug 2018

8 stages of nighttime as told by an INTENSELY pregnant person

Sophie White

Pregnancy insomnia proves that Mother Nature is a b*tch with a cruel, cruel sense of humour.

I enjoy irony as much as the next person but surely insomnia setting in just weeks before the arrival of a newborn into your life is just too, too much. Everyone’s telling you to rest up, while all night long you lie awake, screaming inside your head “Go the F*CK to sleep!!!!!”

8 Stages of Nighttime As Told By An INTENSELY Pregnant Person:

Stage 1 – 8 pm

You are literally unable to continue standing. Allow the toddler to play ‘trucks’ on your body as you lie beached on the living room floor, patiently waiting for the other half to give you permission to go to bed…

Stage 2 – 9 pm

At last ensconced in bed. Finally. Dying to sleep. Detect slight niggle of anxiety about whether or not sleep is even possible. Haven’t slept a full night in three weeks. Just stop thinking and go the f*ck to sleep brain.

Stage 3 – 9.04 pm

Oh no, can’t get comfortable. The Bump seems to be taking issue with sleeping on the right side. Begin 8-minute process of trying to roll over unaided. Not an attractive sight.

Stage 4 – 9.14 pm

Bump apparently not enjoying the left side either. Rearrange the 42 pillows that you now share the bed with. Notice The Other Half sighing in annoyance… oh no he didn’t…

Stage 5 – 2 am

BANG. WIDE awake and dying for a pee. Commence 9-point manoeuvre required to exit the bed.

Stage 6 – 2.30 am

Heartburn is peaking so much that it is now necessary to adopt a creepy, sitting up style of slumber – not that there will be ANY sleep anytime soon… Knock back some Gaviscon from the bottle and pray for deliverance from the hell-burn.

Stage 7 – 3,4 and 6 am

Seethe in the bed willing yourself to FALL ASLEEEEEEEEEEEP. AAAAGGGGHHHHHH.

Stage 8 – 6.15 am

Finally, FINALLY start to nod off… until “muma… muma… MUMA!!!” starts up next door. Time for your toddler wake-up call, Muma.

It’s definitely a bad sign that we’re starting to look on maternity leave as a nice relaxing break from all this…

Anyone else out there in the throes of preggo insomnia? Feel free to rage in the comments…!