As anyone who knows me will testify, I’m pretty irritable at the best of times.
I used to be a grumpy young woman and now I’m growing up to be a real grumpy ould so-and-so. In fact, I’m morphing into the female version of my da, which is worrisome on various levels but mostly because I fear a ginger moustache may actually be in my future.
So if being easily pissed off by the human race is a normal every day occurrence for me, you can only imagine how much more that reigns true when I am pregnant.
It is safe to say you’d be better off crossing the road than even smiling or passing the time of day, lest I should morph the greeting into some sort of personal attacks.
Here are 8 of the worst words you could ever say to a pregnant woman:
1. Hangover
Had an epic night out at the weekend did you? So pleased for you. I didn’t, know why? Because I’m not allowed to drink, if I wear heels, I’ll fall over AND I was asleep on the couch by the time you started in on your second mojito. FACT.
2. Paté
Enjoying that, are you? Slathering that delicious pate all over that bit of crispy toast and dousing it in cranberry coulis while I’m over hear with my incinerated burger? How very dare you.
3. Relax
Em, no, I won’t relax thanks. I can’t relax. I’m preparing for the arrival of another human being to the planet that I will be solely responsible for. I have no time to relax and frankly, the next time you suggest that I should, I’m going to rip your head clean off it’s shoulders.
4. Skinny
Skinny latte, skinny jeans, skinny fries, ‘I’m feeling a bit skinnier than usual’ – GO EFF YOURSELF.
5. Sex
How great for you that your sex life is thriving and that the neighbours may or may not have been on the receiving end of a full frontal last week. We would love to have sex but.. well, the thing is, neither of us can locate my vagina. This baby bump appears to have eaten it.
6. Exhausted
You think you’re exhausted because you went for a really long boozy lunch at the weekend, you delicate flower. You have no idea what exhausted actually feels like until you’ve had no actual choice but to waddle to bed whilst mid-conversation with someone at 8.30pm. Even if that person was Hugh Jackman or similar (sidetone: I wish).
7. De-caffeinated
Nope, I don’t want decaffeinated coffee or decaffeinated tea. I want the real stuff all the time because of Point Number 6 above. But I can’t have all the coffee and tea so let’s just not talk about it, ok?
8. Surprise!
One should try not to surprise a pregnant woman in any capacity. Whether that’s in a ‘I bought the buggy without you!’ or in a ‘I flew your long-lost cousin home from America!’ fashion – if you can’t be guaranteed a positive reaction or an unplanned visit to the hospital, then just don’t go there, is that cool?
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