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4th April 2016
04:39pm BST

3. Relax
Em, no, I won't relax thanks. I can't relax. I'm preparing for the arrival of another human being to the planet that I will be solely responsible for. I have no time to relax and frankly, the next time you suggest that I should, I'm going to rip your head clean off it's shoulders.
4. Skinny
Skinny latte, skinny jeans, skinny fries, 'I'm feeling a bit skinnier than usual' - GO EFF YOURSELF.
5. Sex
How great for you that your sex life is thriving and that the neighbours may or may not have been on the receiving end of a full frontal last week. We would love to have sex but.. well, the thing is, neither of us can locate my vagina. This baby bump appears to have eaten it.
6. Exhausted
You think you're exhausted because you went for a really long boozy lunch at the weekend, you delicate flower. You have no idea what exhausted actually feels like until you've had no actual choice but to waddle to bed whilst mid-conversation with someone at 8.30pm. Even if that person was Hugh Jackman or similar (sidetone: I wish).
7. De-caffeinated
Nope, I don't want decaffeinated coffee or decaffeinated tea. I want the real stuff all the time because of Point Number 6 above. But I can't have all the coffee and tea so let's just not talk about it, ok?
8. Surprise!
One should try not to surprise a pregnant woman in any capacity. Whether that's in a 'I bought the buggy without you!' or in a 'I flew your long-lost cousin home from America!' fashion - if you can't be guaranteed a positive reaction or an unplanned visit to the hospital, then just don't go there, is that cool?
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