In my mind, we grew big together you and me, big and round and ready for the world I have all set up for you. Your room is there but there is no name on the door.
It's been the baby's room now since we moved in - we used to tell people excitedly - now we say it quieter.
Although empty, I feel such hope when I walk past. I can see you painting in our kitchen and messing up our too-clean floor. I see you on the swings screeching with delight and your face against the back door. It is a wave of longing I can almost touch. I feel it every month. So sure you are just waiting for the right moment to come.
We have never been so ready in our lives. I'm so overwhelmed with excitement and fear and disappointment.
Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you will cling a little stronger and into our future.
I question what is wrong with me. Why my body doesn't let me be a mum? But I won't give up. We can't. I know that someday you will be in our lives. You're just not ready yet. "
