Your complete guide to welcoming baby no.2

So you’re having a second baby…

Or maybe you’re just thinking about it. It’s so easy to say we want X number of kids before we start having them. After the first one, having more can suddenly feel like less of a given. We now know how earth-shattering it is. We’re wise to the impact it has on our lives. But we’ve also felt the crazy love of parenthood that can leave us wanting more.

Having baby no. 2 is no mean feat. In fact, it’s often said that going from one to two is the hardest transition. There’s certainly a lot to think about. Let’s break it down.

How you’ll feel

There is never a ‘normal’ in motherhood, is there? And this new phase is no exception.

The most common fear around having a second baby is that we couldn’t possibly love another child as much as we love our first. Nobody compares to them. How could they? But every expert and parent friend will tell you that your love will be multiplied, not divided. And that our capacity to love our children is infinite. It’s a beautiful thing.

Of course, as with any pregnancy or birth, it’s also normal not to feel how everyone says you will. Author Rebecca Abrams describes feeling altogether alien in the presence of her daughter after the birth of her son, in an honest interview with The Guardian: “It was like walking into a favourite room to find everything has been rearranged. When she turned to me, it was like being confronted by a stranger. ”  Her unexpected feelings were short-lived and a good example of how the physical act of giving birth can impact us on a deep, emotional level. The important things to remember are that these feelings are a result of the huge, life-altering act of giving birth and that we can and should ask for help if we need it.

Having a second child can be scary in many ways; the physical, emotional and financial impacts are all things you’re bound to think about. But you might also feel way more prepared than you did first time around. When it’s not your first rodeo, so much of the guess work is gone. You’ve done it and you know you can do it again.

And of course, you probably shouldn’t bank on everyone being quite as excited for you this time around, or for the same influx of gifts. You’ll probably have to buy all the baby clothes yourself this time — the cheek. Thank God for hand-me-downs.

How you’ll manage

Things are about to get a little crazy. One of the best pieces of advice we can offer is to keep your older child’s existing childcare arrangements in place if possible and applicable. Just because you’re at home and not working, doesn’t mean you’ll have the capacity. At least not right away.

Outsource anything you can to take a load off. Have your shopping delivered and, if you can afford it, have someone clean the house for a couple of hours a week.

Getting internal help is also key. If your relationship isn’t as balanced as you’d like it to be when it comes to household duties, a serious conversation is called for long before the new baby arrives. Ask for help from close family members too – it’s only short term and people love to help when they can. And if anyone offers, let yourself say yes.

In general, allow yourself to lower your standards slightly. Your house does not have to look perfect and you don’t have to provide freshly prepared, organic produce for each meal. You don’t even have to have freshly washed hair every day. Those types of people are either secretly robots or just good liars.

How your first child will feel about a second baby

Preparing your first born for a second baby could be a whole post in itself. Chances are they’ll love it. But there’s also a high chance there’ll be some level of teething issues.

Pitched to them as an exciting new job, the role of big brother or sister can be a very appealing thing. And usually, the new baby will bring them a gift! What a generous baby you’re having.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, being honest with your child is important: “Explain that the baby will be cute and cuddly but will also cry and take a lot of your time and attention. Also, make sure that your older child knows that it may be a while before he can play with the new baby. Reassure your child that you will love him or her just as much after the baby is born as you do now.”

They also advise timing major changes in your child’s routine carefully: “If you can, finish toilet training or switching from a crib to a bed before the baby arrives. If that is not possible, put them off until after the baby is settled in at home. Otherwise, your child may feel overwhelmed by trying to learn new things on top of all the changes caused by the new baby.”

You can also expect some small regressions with your older child: “For example, your toilet-trained child might suddenly start having ‘accidents, or they might want to take a bottle. This is normal and is your older child’s way of making sure he or she still has your love and attention. Instead of telling them to act their age, let him have the attention he needs. Praise him when he acts more grown-up.”

Try to involve them as much as you can in the lead up. Letting them break the news to loved ones can be a major selling point. Getting that amazing reaction from a grandparent or even their childminder is absolute gold dust to them.

And try these books written especially to help prepare your child for another baby.

How a second baby will affect your relationship

The short answer is, in every way. Your family is now a small business and could benefit from being run like one. It’s time to start a shared calendar if you haven’t already.

Samantha Rodman, PhD is a clinical psychologist, author and founder of DrPsychMom.com. Speaking about the transition to baby number two for married couples she says: “With the first baby, a dad who isn’t that ‘into babies’ can get by with a couple diaper changes here and there, especially if his wife is very hands-on and/or has her own mom/mother-in-law around all the time. However, with baby number two, Dad must truly step up to the plate, and often ends up parenting the toddler or older child while mom is with the baby. No matter how enthusiastically Dad takes to his new role (and some men welcome and greatly value their increased responsibility), this is often a major change, taking some of the mother’s identity away as the primary caretaker of the older child. This change means that the couple may fight over: how dad parents and the transition, from his perspective, of never getting any breaks from the kids anymore. To which the mom will often say, “I never get any breaks either so screw you!” You can see how this degenerates rapidly.”

After a second baby, you’re less likely to get a babysitter and go out and statistically way less likely to have regular sex. But it’s not all bad news. She also says: “Once the dust settles, around when baby number two is six months, some of these issues may resolve themselves.” And if they don’t, she offers these three tips: “Start trying to do nice things again for your spouse, even if it feels fake at first. Start doing date nights, or even stay at home date nights if that’s all you can swing right now, emotionally and/or financially. And stop with the small talk. When you have some down time, turn off the TV and ask each other real questions.”

Shit is about to get real, so be prepared.

What you’ll need

You’ll potentially need a double buggy, depending on the age gap. If not, a great baby carrier can be a good option if you’re able-bodied. Carry one, push the other — job’s a good ‘un.

Do you need a second crib? This depends on so many factors. If your oldest child isn’t far off moving into a bed, now’s the time to make the transition. And remember that there’s a significant chance your new little one will be in a Moses basket or similar, or even co-sleeping for a while yet. If the timing works out, one crib might do.

You’ll also need space. We don’t mean an extension or a bigger house, although that would be delightful. We mean it’s time for a clear out. Because Lord knows you’ll fill that space up pretty quickly with another smally around. Never underestimate the space a teeny little body takes up in a house. With an incoming human, the less existing stuff, the better.

You’ll probably need a bigger changing bag — this one’s fairly self-explanatory.

And finally, you’ll need a childcare plan for during labour, the birth and immediately afterwards.  Having someone on standby will take a huge mental load off.

You’ve got this.