Ah, antenatal class… That one-off weekend that leaves you with more terrifying questions than you started out with.
Once you’ve hauled your bump and partner along to the requisite antenatal class, you will discover that every group has at least one of these types of parents-to-be.
1. Teacher’s pet
This chick has read the book. Actually, scrap that, she’s read all the books. Out loud. To her long-suffering baby daddy. He looks weary after months of listening to the pregnancy version of Hermione Granger but she’s looking pretty smug after answering every class question and proving that she has more medical knowledge than an obstetrics registrar.
2. The honeymooners
Ugh, get a room. Oh no wait… we see you’ve already done that. This sickly-sweet pair are probably with bump fresh off their honeymoon. They can’t keep their hands off each other, even when the rest of the class is wincing at a plastic doll being shoved through a model pelvis. Don’t you two know how we got into this terrifying situation in the first place?
3. The pros
Nobody really understands why this couple are even in the class. With at least one kid to their name already, these guys are the professionals. They know the reality, and they’re not afraid to overshare. Mr and Mrs Pro are the antenatal equivalent of Stephen Hawking in a first year maths class.
4. The messers
This guy (c’mon it’s always the guy) is on the receiving end of ‘the look’ every few minutes. He’s the one who pretends to drop the doll and quips about childbirth being akin to his favourite pub burning down. He’s only there because his missus said so and his uproarious laughter during the video is going down like a fart in a spacesuit. Just wait till she gets him in the car.
5. The hippies
The hippy parents are more concerned about what their child’s birth month will mean for their astrological chart. They’re planning an all-natural birth at home, surrounded by incense, burning sage and candles. Baby was probably conceived at a festival and little Sunflower Rivermoon-Blossom will definitely be calling her parents by their first names once she arrives. They may offer you their aromatherapist’s number as an alternative to that nasty epidural you’re planning; just smile and take it.
6. The power couple
Look, we’ve got another meeting at five so could we rush this antenatal thing along? The power couple are both super-busy business people and they need you to know all about it. A powerpoint summary of the class would really work much better en route to the labour ward. Mr and Mrs Power aren’t even sure how they’re going to fit this baby into their hectic schedules but hopefully the nanny they’ve hired will make the timetable work.
