When growing a person, it is natural to feel pretty damn impressed with yourself.
After all, suddenly your body is doing a new activity of its own accord with minimal effort or even conscious thought required from you. With the new bodily functions (person-growing, lactating) comes a new impressive looking appendage: The bump. Pretty soon I cottoned on to the fact that with the bump came a whole new set of major advantages just ripe for exploiting.
10 Untold Reasons to Love the Bump:
1. The bump gets you out of physical activity
Even just rolling over in bed becomes unnecessary/impossible. By the end, I didn’t even have to ask for assistance anymore. The Man would just sense that a repositioning was required, and he would assume the position. Bracing himself against one immovable object (wall or door) he would attempt to move an another immovable object (me). After some exaggerated grunting and apparent (feigned, I maintain) exertions, I would be rolled to the new position.
2. The bump allows you to either demand or rebuff sexual advances according to your mood
This one’s pretty simple. Don’t want that thing anywhere near you? Just talk about how much wind you have and openly examine your creepy new belly button at length in plain view. However, if you are in the mood for amour and he tries to deter you (probably because of the aforementioned wind and creepy belly button), just cry a bit and accuse him of not finding you attractive anymore – which is, of course, true. The resulting intercourse may be tainted by the unsexy atmosphere of a man doing a loathed but necessary job like putting the bins out or changing a car tire (it may even look a bit like this) but the main thing is, either way, bump gets its way.
3. Snack storage
Just what it says on the tin. Store bowls of berries (crisps), plates of crudité with hummus (tortillas with sour cream and onion dip) and bags of fruit and nuts (M&Ms) on top of the bump within easy reach.
4. Snack Cache
This one of those facts that I probably shouldn’t publicise my knowledge of. However, should a heavily pregnant woman suddenly need to conceal a packet of Rolos, Munchies or Fruit Pastels, said item can be quickly and effectively stored under the boobs and on top of the bump. Any tube-shaped item lends itself to this little nook, Nature’s Nook if you will. Also, take it from me, few will have the nerve to venture in there to retrieve the item.
5. With the bump you need never attend a hen againÂ
Thank f*ck.
6. No more engaging with annoying fashion trends
Culottes, cut-out sides, bare midriff, boiler suits, pencil skirts and virtually all tailoring is all out. It’s the best. With the bump, it’s pretty much moo moos, stretchy pants and voluminous coverings masquerading as dresses at all times.
7. The bump gives your every accomplishment added weight (not just literally)
Every minor achievement a bump-sporter manages is followed by this phrase usually uttered with quiet awe: “Aaaaaand she’s pregnant.”
“So and so did a 10 km run… Aaaaannnnd she’s pregnant”; “Did you hear Blablabla went to the shops on foot, unsupported…Aaaaannnnd she’s pregnant.” When I was with bump people actually congratulated me for attending a black tie event. “She attended a black tie event…Aaaaannnnd she’s pregnant.”
8. Bump bashing
Look the bump is pretty sturdy. When, say, somebody doesn’t carry out your exacting demands for homemade thin base pizza with basil and anchovies and a milkshake retrieved from the local (five miles away) café you can actually bump-bash them and it can have real impact. Even better they can’t retaliate. Also, if you butt the bump up against your partner, friends or colleagues you can surreptitiously beat them with the tiny fists of your unborn child when they annoy you. Seriously this really works try it. Sidenote: I may have had a lot of rage while with bump.
9. The bump to rest of body ratio
The bump creates a pleasing optical illusion of making your legs and arms look slimmer. The more bump there is, the less of you there appears to be. Result.
10. The bump inspires kindness in others
Something about the bump generates a lot of goodwill in others. Ride this wave because in a few short months you’ll find out what a screaming toddler in a confined space inspires in others. Hint: It’s basically the opposite of goodwill.
