Separation anxiety is part of child development, but it can be really unsettling for you and your little one. Understanding what your child is going through and having a few coping strategies in place can help both of you get through it, though. It might not feel like it at the time but your child’s unwillingness to leave you is actually a good sign as it shows that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you. Soon enough they'll remember you always return after you leave, which will comfort them while you're gone.
Babies and young children need attachments to other humans to have their needs – nourishment, security and protection – met; however, they also need to develop life skills such as self-reliance, independence and confidence.
Supporting independence
It’s important to handle your child's stress carefully, with love, understanding, firmness and confidence. This should start at a young age by giving them time to entertain themselves. Getting to know when to leave them alone is a key skill for parents to master. I recently visited a friend whose child gets anxious and upset every time she is out of view. For example, she can’t go to the toilet without taking her toddler with her; and when the dad is home in the evening, the child screams for mum to take her to bed. It's easy to give in to demands, but bad habits are sometimes formed easily. It can be really difficult to say with confidence, “Daddy is going to put you to bed and Mammy is going out for a walk,” but it is important to try and do this for everyone’s sake. Remember that children pick up on moods and emotions.
Positive routines
Young children love to know what to expect and what comes next, so it is important to establish positive routines. Practice is also key, so new people and places should be introduced gradually. For example, invite a new childminder over in advance so they can spend time together while you're in the room. If your child is starting at a new daycare centre or preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods of time so that they can get used to being away from you.
Sometimes children settle into a routine without any issues and a few weeks later they start to cling onto their parent not wanting them to leave. Establish that nothing has changed in the usual routine to upset the child; talk to the manager and staff, and once you are happy that your child will settle, give them a kiss and hug, tell them you are going to work and will be back later, then leave the room with a smile. It's important you leave when you say you are; coming back will only make things worse.
You can always ask the childcare provider to call you as soon as your child has settled; or, if possible, wait out of sight for as long as it takes for them to settle. Remember this usually only takes a few minutes. Don’t be tempted to peep in the window only to be spotted by the child who will get upset again. I advise against sneaking out without saying goodbye. It's better you say you're going and leave even if it upsets them – it helps them learn that you have to go but you will be back later. If your child is older you can talk through the routine with them, helping them become secure in the knowledge that you will be coming back.
Make sure you can return when you have promised to; this is how your child will develop the confidence that they can make it through the time apart.
Parent's separation anxiety
Be aware of your own feelings. I've seen situations where the parent was the one with separation anxiety. It can be gratifying to feel your child is as attached to you, as you are to them. You may feel guilty about taking time out for yourself; leaving your child with a caregiver; going to work. Or you may feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention they seem to need from you. Sometimes parents are not ready to let go and delaying saying goodbye at crèche or school can make matters worse by making them anxious. Acknowledge your feelings and get the support you need. If you're having difficulty parting from your child, arrange for someone else you trust to drop them off for you.
Remember that it’s only temporary and in most cases this phase will pass.
With over 35 years of experience, Regina Bushell is a veteran of the childcare profession. Her business, Grovelands Childcare was recently named Best Multiple Crèche at the national Maternity & Infant awards for the second consecutive year, and she is a regular commentator on childcare issues the media. 
