Got a new mum in your life? Then take heed recently postpartum women have enough irritants to be dealing without you and your shite.
She may be leaking fluids from multiple orifices, she might be sore, she might be insanely happy, or she may have been crying for three days now. Either way, don’t f*ck with her, annoy her or eat the last biscuit.
10 Deeply Irritating Things People Need to STOP Doing to New Mothers:
1. Coming over too soon
A good rule of thumb is to ask the new mother “has your uterus retracted yet?” and use that to gauge how soon you can come to visit. That’s a joke. Just give it a couple of weeks and then text saying “No pressure, but would you like a quick visit this week, I have cake.”
2. Grabbing the baby and holding on way too long
Give. The. Baby. Back. No one likes a baby-hog.
3. Kissing the baby on the lips
By all means smell their heads and necks to a creepy extent but don’t kiss them on the lips. It’s overkill and can very, very occasionally harm the baby.
4. Staying too long
Remember that you are dealing with a person who (while being happy to see you) also sees you as an obstacle to getting a bit of sleep. Every second you stay is a second of precious, precious sleep that you are depriving her of.
5. Bringing nothing
Unforgivable. Turn around right now, drive home, batch-make, at least, four freezer dinners and a tray bake. Now you may return.
6. Doing nothing
Lounging on the couch cuddling the baby for the duration of your (FOUR HOUR!) visit is not cool. I totally did this to a lot of people, by the way, and I would like to take the opportunity to publicly apologise. Cuddling the baby while surrounded by dirty dishes and piles of laundry and saying things like “You really need to take care of yourself right now” is not helpful.
7. Lecturing the new mother
This woman is tired, possible sore and definitely emotional. If she murders you, no one will have any sympathy when they hear you gave (unsolicited) opinions on her baby-feeding methods, use/non-use of a soother or the correct way to mother a human infant. Offer advice when asked, is a good rule of thumb.
8. Asking if the baby is “good”
It’s a baby; it’s not evil. See also 10 reasons the phrase ‘Good Baby’ should be banned
9. Asking if the baby sleeps
FYI it’s a BABY, they DON’T sleep. I am aware that there is the odd exception to this rule the fabled “good sleepers” (see also 10 reasons why ‘Good Sleeper” shouldn’t be a thing) but as a new mother, I was fairly sensitive about this question so don’t raise the topic unless she does.
10. Telling her she looks exhausted
One word: RUN!
