10 dick moves I’ve made when sleep deprived and mildly insane

When I'm in the throes of extreme sleep deprivation there is no amount of bad behaviour that I won't forgive myself for. If I killed someone for telling me that they were on holidays in Ibiza for the last week and they're "wrecked," I would feel completely justified in that. I would argue my case in a court of law and stand resolute and firm in my total lack of remorse for the crime. "She knew I haven't slept a full night in 22 months, Your Honour, the attack was provoked." 10 dick moves I've made when sleep deprived and mildly insane: 1. I gave my son the finger In my defence, it was a moment of intense irritation and he wasn't looking at the time. 2. I shouted at my friend for asking if I was feeling tired. So so touchy. I realise now that she was probably not trying to annoy me. 3. I rage-ate a whole packet of chocolate digestives despite feeling really sick I find it easy to justify this kind of behaviour with angry, tired logic along the lines of I don't get to sleep I AT LEAST deserve to eat my face off. 4. I lost my car keys for 25 minutes until I found them in the fridge To say I was demented would be a major understatement. I was ready to KILL someone. 5. I rolled my eyes AT the man in the petrol station when he told me I couldn't buy chewing gum with a laser card Not a shred of basic human decency do I have when I'm tired. 6. I allowed my son to shoplift a nutri-grain cereal bar because I was too tired to face the shit fit he'd have if I took it off him This, I admit, was a low moment. 7. I told The Man I was stuck in traffic and instead drove the car to a nearby car park and sat staring at the ceiling in a sleep deprived trance for an hour Who hasn't done this? 8. I ignore my mother's calls because I can't handle her voice drilling down the phone and into my ear on less than three hours sleep She's probably calling to tell me how exhausted she is anyway. 9. I have forgotten to put on a bra more times than I care to recall It can be an hour or more before I notice the unseasonal breeze in the boob area and realise that I will now have to go through the rest of the day agonising over the visibility of my nipples. The worst. 10. I have at times found myself fantasising about sustaining a minor injury that would not be life threatening but would require a brief spell in bed with no option but to eat chocolate and watch crap TV This usually pops into my head when navigating a busy junction... I should probably not be allowed among people anymore I'm a danger to myself and others.