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Parenting

18th Oct 2015

10 dick moves I’ve made when sleep deprived and mildly insane

Sophie White

When I’m in the throes of extreme sleep deprivation there is no amount of bad behaviour that I won’t forgive myself for.

If I killed someone for telling me that they were on holidays in Ibiza for the last week and they’re “wrecked,” I would feel completely justified in that. I would argue my case in a court of law and stand resolute and firm in my total lack of remorse for the crime. “She knew I haven’t slept a full night in 22 months, Your Honour, the attack was provoked.”

10 dick moves I’ve made when sleep deprived and mildly insane:

1. I gave my son the finger

In my defence, it was a moment of intense irritation and he wasn’t looking at the time.

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2. I shouted at my friend for asking if I was feeling tired.

So so touchy. I realise now that she was probably not trying to annoy me.

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3. I rage-ate a whole packet of chocolate digestives despite feeling really sick

I find it easy to justify this kind of behaviour with angry, tired logic along the lines of I don’t get to sleep I AT LEAST deserve to eat my face off.

4. I lost my car keys for 25 minutes until I found them in the fridge

To say I was demented would be a major understatement. I was ready to KILL someone.

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5. I rolled my eyes AT the man in the petrol station when he told me I couldn’t buy chewing gum with a laser card

Not a shred of basic human decency do I have when I’m tired.

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6. I allowed my son to shoplift a nutri-grain cereal bar because I was too tired to face the shit fit he’d have if I took it off him

This, I admit, was a low moment.

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7. I told The Man I was stuck in traffic and instead drove the car to a nearby car park and sat staring at the ceiling in a sleep deprived trance for an hour

Who hasn’t done this?

8. I ignore my mother’s calls because I can’t handle her voice drilling down the phone and into my ear on less than three hours sleep

She’s probably calling to tell me how exhausted she is anyway.

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9. I have forgotten to put on a bra more times than I care to recall

It can be an hour or more before I notice the unseasonal breeze in the boob area and realise that I will now have to go through the rest of the day agonising over the visibility of my nipples. The worst.

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10. I have at times found myself fantasising about sustaining a minor injury that would not be life threatening but would require a brief spell in bed with no option but to eat chocolate and watch crap TV

This usually pops into my head when navigating a busy junction… I should probably not be allowed among people anymore I’m a danger to myself and others.

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