Colic is the most mysterious affliction experienced by young babies – prolonged crying jags that seemingly have no discernable cause and usually go away of their own accord by about 3-5 months.
In many ways colic can feel infinitely harder on the parents than on the baby, as one can't help but feel helpless and hopeless in the face of prolonged infant crying.
10 most dangerous things to say to the parents of a colicky baby:
1. "Colic doesn't exist."
There is a certain section of the general public who seem to be deeply suspicious of colic (my mother and her friends basically). To my mind, only a crazy person with a death wish would ever risk such a foolish, foolish statement.
2. "You're carrying him too much."
The absolute only reason that putting this baby down right now would be remotely worthwhile would be to punch you in the boob. That is all.
3. "Mine had colic, it went on for 10 months."
We do NOT need to hear this.
4. "It's bad for the environment to leave the hair dryer/extractor fan/hoover running like that."
This baby has been crying every night for three weeks. Right now, Imma gonna do whatever the f*ck works. The environment can go f*ck itself. Sidenote: Usually I do care about being environmentally friendly but what can I say, the colic can really wear you down.
5. "Probiotics are complete nonsense.'
This came from my mother who clearly did not read the above memo regarding doing WHATEVER – however unlikely and random – might help.
6. "Poor, poor baby."
Poor poor baby??? Poor poor ME more like. Whenever I told anyone about the colic, I kind of felt inclined to describe it as "We have colic" rather than "he has colic" because when there's a colicky baby in the house, everyone has colic.
7. "Driving him around like that is giving him bad habits."
If the only thing that got him to stop crying was smoking I would be doing that too. Frankly there is no room for thinking about the future during Colic, there is only surviving this minute right now, if we think ahead to the next minute and the minute after that we will expire from sheer frustration.
8. "Have you tried baby massage?"
Have you tried massaging a baby that is screaming and arching its back in a way that is unnervingly reminiscent of a demonic possession? It's like massaging a small angry pony that does NOT WANT A MASSAGE.
9. "Why don't you try and get out more as a family?"
Taking a violently screaming baby anywhere is not as relaxing as you might think. People stare. And they suggest that the baby is tired or cold or hungry or that you are not meeting his needs in some other abstract way. This is not helpful.
10. "It'll pass, it's just a phase."
As much as I know you mean well by saying this, and what you're saying is indeed true, what you really need to be saying is "Would you like me to jiggle your baby up and down for 3-4 hours while you go lie down/medicate with wine and chocolate?"
Main image via Flickr
