Despite our best efforts to pretend to be capable high functioning members of society, there are always a few telltale signs that let others know that we are currently in possession of a toddler and, therefore, should probably not be trusted to operate heavy machinery or make important, high-stake decisions.
10 Things That SCREAM “I Have A Toddler” To Colleagues, Bosses And Random Strangers
1. You eat really, INSANELY fast
Having a toddler teaches you to inhale your food as if you attempt to savour it, it will be stolen from you.
2. You hide food…
Even from your co-workers. Opening crisp packets completely silently becomes such an ingrained habit that you kinda forget the co-workers are not going to try and attack you for a crisp á la your toddler.
3. You constantly move things away from the edges of tables
Force of habit is STRONG in this one.
4. You relish a waiting room
Others might find it annoying to have to wait for the GP, but you relish any relaxing sit that comes minus a small human on your face.
5. You sometimes catch yourself about to wipe crud off other people’s faces
These people are NOT your children.
6. You compulsively give other parents encouraging little smiles, especially when they are grappling with screaming kids
This probably looks a bit weird. Staring at parents and their kids, when you don’t have any visible kids with you makes you look undeniably odd.
7. If there is a toddler tantruming in the vicinity you are the least perturbed person in the place
You’re mainly just relieved that the screaming toddler is not yours for once.
8. You spell E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G
“Will you get me a bag of C-R-I-S-P-S and stop F-U-C-K-I-N-G eating my C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E?” I might rage-spell to The Man of an evening.
9. A solitary trip to the loo is a treat
Sometimes I just go to the toilet in work and sit there savouring the peace
10. When you reach into your bag without checking first, you put your hand straight into an open banana
The Banana Hand struggle is REAL. Also Banana Hand pretty much only happens in front of the boss/mother-in-law/minder. This is what’s known as a Law of Life.
