Having kids can be something of an inconvenience when it comes to being spontaneous or trying to do, well, virtually anything.
However, they actually come in super handy for getting out of stuff you don't want to do – like, well virtually anything. Hen Dos of peripheral acquaintances (or let's be honest close friends), visiting aging ailing relatives (just me?), being on time for stuff – the list goes on...
10 Things You Can Blame On Your Kids (That Mean You Never Have To Go To A Hen Again)
1. Lateness
"I can't arrive on time there is a toddler on my face and a shite just after being stamped into the living room floor."
2. Bitchiness
"I'm too tired to be nice today." I recognise that this is not a good excuse, but it is pretty convenient.
3. Unkempt appearance
How can I be expected to look nice? Anytime I come close to having makeup on, clean clothes and my hair brushed all at once, it's like the baby can sense it and immediately gets sick down my back. The hair is always collateral damage and usually, for good measure, the baby will swipe at my face and smear the lipstick while he's at it.
4. Lack of desire to go anywhere beyond the couch
"Sorry... but, ya know... kids."
5. The fact that you don't know what Pokémon Go is
*Shrugs* Kids.
6. Refusal to attend any event that you've decided is not one hundred per cent worth it
"Awwwwwh, I wish I could come but..." *Hangs up phone, opens wine, puts up feet. Win.*
7. Being in anyway organised
I just about got the Child's name down for primary school (thanks to round-the-clock pestering by every mother I know – thanks, girls) that was officially my last act of organisation. I spent so long feeling smug about getting the name down that since then I have neglected to do virtually anything constructive regarding personal and familial admin. If I took even a scrap of time away from my busy patting-self-on-the-back schedule I might have noticed that the child needs shoes, the alarm still hasn't been installed despite wires hanging down everywhere and the VHI keep phoning me which is never a good sign.
8. The absolute state of the place
All clothing storage is now done in laundry baskets, and I haven't seen the toilet brush in weeks – I try not to think too deeply about this one, the Toddler developed a bit of a grá for the toilet brush some time ago... I'm waiting for the day it turns up in my bed like a horses head.
9. Attending Hen Parties (or even responding to the never-ending email threads pertaining to said Hen Parties)
People just expect less of you once you have kids... it's great. Don't get me wrong I love lots of Hen Parties, but sometimes it's handy to have an excuse to skip the activity portion of the day and skip straight to the wine.
10. The fact that I can't remember what happened two hours ago never mind yesterday
The brain is officially fried but I've read that baby brain is a very real phenomenon, and I'm clinging to this. There're upsides to this too – if I get cross or angry with someone I am literally incapable of holding a grudge because I'll forget within 10 minutes what the grudge was over. I can also watch the same movies over and over again and still enjoy them and be surprised by plot twists.
