Whenever parents-to-be confidently tell me of their plans to get a routine in place ASAP or have a natural birth or do helicopter parenting, I can't help but think of that line from Robert Burns' poem To A Mouse, "the best-laid plans of mice and men oft go astray..."
Of course, I never ruin their planning by telling them that they're are living in a fantasy world or anything like that because we all make these plans. I think the planning and researching and nesting that so many of us do pre-baby is the only way we have to prepare for the sheer magnitude of parenthood. It gives us the illusion of being in control of the situation. But obviously anyone who's had dealings with a baby knows that they care not for our schemes and plans and yes these plans do oft go astray....
10 times planning ANYTHING was completely futile since becoming a parent:
1. The pregnancy
Okay maybe not everyone is as challenged as we were in the contraception stakes but for us the actual pregnancy was the ULTIMATE sign that there was going to be little that was considered or planned about our foray into parenthood. Whoops. Still the happiest accident of all time, though.
2. The Birth "Plan"
I'm always impressed that midwives don't just burst out laughing when an expectant mother mentions her birth plan. We all have high hopes for low lighting, soothing sounds of dolphins mating on the stereo and a beautiful, serene welcome to the world for our babies. I'd love to know what percentage of us actually achieve the fabled birth "plan"? Certainly not me. The sterile, surgical removal of The Child from my body couldn't have been further from the complicated rider I'd put together during antenatal class that included things like mint tea, on-demand massages and Kate Bush playing on a loop. That is, of course, not to say that I am anti the birth plan, I just wish I'd been more aware of its unlikeliness, that's all.
3. The sleep schedule
"I'm going to do Gina Forde." "I'm going to do The No-Cry Sleep Solution" Whatever you think you're going to be doing, it is worth remembering that your baby has its own ideas about that sleep "schedule", this can usually be boiled down to these 15 words "I'm gonna sleep whenever the f*ck I want, and there's nothing you can do about it." *Laughs manically*
4. The feeding
Planning to breastfeed was a hella lot easier than the actual doing of breastfeeding. I think that in a way having so many issues nursing my son woke me up to the fact that this wasn't some preconceived notion of parenthood that I'd cobbled together from Instagram and improbably perfect blogs of NYC mummies who's lives I was madly envious of. This was the reality of parenthood. It taught me that parenthood is not about attaining a perfect state. It's not about cradling my son in a beautifully appointed nursery bathed in the glow of early morning sunshine (though very, VERY occasionally through sheer chance and luck this can happen). I think it's about accepting ourselves as parents and our babies as babies and being kind to each other during these vulnerable times.
5. The coffee with friends
Sometimes just moments before leaving the house the baby would fall asleep on me (I call this nap-trapped) and since I was so desperate for him to get ANY sleep I would admit defeat and cancel the coffee. Sometimes everything would be packed and ready to go and yet I would suddenly feel unable to handle the thought of leaving the house. And other times I would actually make it to the coffee shop, enjoy a coffee with the girls, only to become locked into a drawn out feeding session. "Don't worry you don't have to stay with me, this could go on for hours," I'd cheerfully tell my bemused friends as I latched the baby on and succumbed to being boob-trapped. He was a VERY slow feeder which is why I never went anywhere without a book, a bottle of water and some snacks.
6. The baby swimming class
IMPOSSIBLE to time this one around feeds and naps. I tried to attend at least three classes before jacking it in.
7. The baby yoga class
I was the woman who paid €15 for the pleasure of breastfeeding the child in the corner of a room full of women stretching for the best part of an hour. When the class finished, I had to relocate to the reception area as the child was showing no sigh of being finished anytime soon. #BoobTrapped
8. The trip to the supermarket
Very, VERY occasionally the supermarket is not a complete disaster, and I feel like a total f*cking legend. There should be an award for parents navigating the supermarket without incident.
9. The Epsom salts bath soak (And yes I realise that I sound about 90 years old)
Since 2013 at all times somewhere in my catalogue of ongoing desires I have longed for a relaxing bath. I'd say I have managed to have about three baths in this time – two of which were interrupted. "Where's muma?" I hear The Man and The Child coming up the stairs. Then they're scratching at the door to be let in. A couple of minutes later and the bath is at max capacity. The wine, and Epsom salts are once again out of the question. Family bath time is fun, though.
10. The tantrum-free day
I am confident that one day this will happen for us. Though I do recognise that I too may need to grow up a bit first.
