When we parents make our way out into the world, for the most part, we put up a pretty good show of being normal, high functioning humans.
A pretty heroic effort when considering the fact that we have scarcely slept a full night in several years and rely solely on stimulants, Peppa Pig and iPads to raise our kids.
However, despite our best efforts to put up a good front, there are always a few telltale signs that let others know that we are currently propagating the species and, therefore, should not be trusted to operate heavy machinery and cannot be relied upon to know anything about current popular culture
20 things that scream “I AM A PARENT” to strangers:
1. You have a destructive, dangerously dependent relationship with coffee.
2. There is a mysterious stain on one or both shoulders. It is never advisable to investigate too closely just what exactly it is.
3. You attempt to clean said stain with a baby wipe. Along with anything else that needs a polish. They kind of make everything smell like a baby’s arse, but at least they’re effective.
4. When you look for a pen in your bag without checking first, you put your hand straight into an open banana. In front of the boss/mother-in-law/minder. Every. Damn. Time.
5. There is a bowl of toast on the floor of your car.
6. Some of your cabinets are masking taped shut.
7. You frequently leave the house without a bra on (not on purpose).
8. You could be a strong contender in a Keith Richards lookalike contest. We wear the tiredness in the face.
9. There is mascara on one eye only.
10. You answer the door with one or more boobs exposed. A lot.
11. It’s a bit exciting when you get to go to the loo unaccompanied.
12. If there is a pram in the vicinity, you gotta rock it. It’s force of habit. I found myself doing it there recently and my friend had to alert me to the fact that the pram was, at that moment, empty.
13. You compulsively give other parents encouraging little smiles, especially when they are grappling with screaming kids.
14. If there is a screaming baby in the vicinity you are the least perturbed person in the place, you’re mainly just relieved that the screaming baby is not yours for once.
15. You fall asleep when left unattended.
16. You consider a trip to the dentist an opportunity for a nice rest.
17. You obsessively move hot beverages away from table edges even if there’s no children around.
18. You spell the words t-e-l-e-v-i-s-i-o-n, f-u-c-k and c-r-i-s-p-s.
19. You eat really, REALLLY fast. Pre-parenthood I used to savour my meals but now if I take too long getting the food into my face then The Child steals it. Seriously he once grabbed a grape right out of my mouth.
20. You cry at the drop of a hat. Parenthood makes crybabies of us all, I can’t even watch an ad for the National Lottery without shedding a tear.
Main image via Pixabay
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